Returning To Uni Life

Today is the second day of the start of the new semester. Exausted I am. No handouts. No soft copy allowed. We were back to old school note taking with our pens and paper. WTF! All morning I was jotting down notes! With the flu bugging me, all I want is good night rest after all of todays task are over. My course registration went well as the lecturers were kind enough to fit the rest of us in. It has been raining all evening and night here. Gosh! Real happy that I told my mum to get me an umbrella. I knew it would be handy.

A few series of incident proved me right as I have suspected SOME of the Malay drivers in UPM are racist! They discriminate those not of the same skin colour!

1st incident:
when a Malays waits for the bus at the stops, the drivers would gladly open BOTH doors for them to come up or go down. While for non-muslims, they would be reluctant to open the front exit and ask them to take the back exit.

2nd incident:
A few Malay girls were walking down the hill and the bus driver gladly waited for them although they were walking damn slow. Me and 2 of my other chinese coursemates were running down for the bus and we got honked many times. There was once the driver didn't even wait for us as we waved at them while rushing down the hill.

3rd incident:
This afternoon as I got up the bus I told the Malay driver, "Encik, naik ke makmal ya" He didn't get what I said and I repeated the word makmal 3 TIMES and finally he asked me, "Lab ah?" I was like WTF! Don't understand Malay ah? Makmal = Lab ??? And the driver thought I was the only person to go the lab that noon and since I am non-muslim he decided to make the lab the last stop. After going all the stops except the lab, he asked the Malay girls "You semua juga pergi Lab? I ingat you semua nak ke pejabat Dekan." Do you see it? WTF is this? I was silent the entire time I was in the bus because I knew what he was trying to do. The lab could have been the 1st stop because we would pass by the turning to the lab 1st before the others! I hope he would be 'blessed' by his god for all of his doings.

4th incident:
When non-muslims forgot to take their matric card they are not allowed to ride the bus and it is PERIOD! But when Muslims without the card got up the bus they would one eye open one eye close.

5th incident:
I was walking back to college and a bus passed by but did not stop to asked if I wanted a lift. A couple of Malay girls were walking back to college but the Malay bus driver decided to stop and ask if they needed a lift and when they denied the request the bus driver insisted and persuaded them to got up the bus.

There you go. All readers can be the judge. As I have mentioned in the early of the post, this statement is refering to certain Malay bus drivers in UPM and not all of them. I have encounter a couple of them that are very friendly and nice. But truth be told, there are still those out there that see us by our ethnicity. Different treatment is given depending on our skin colour. What a wonderful country we have here... Malaysia Boleh! :p

~I am not a chinese, I am human, call me Malaysian~

Closer Than Ever

For Dear P

Gio came over to my house 2 days ago as he wanted help with his present. He did most of the stuff while i helped a little. I saw the roses that he made and they were so pretty. For days I have thought what to get my dear. In the end I thought this isn't a bad idea. I asked Gio to teach me how to make 1. After completing the 1st one, he had to go home and I was left alone in the living room trying to make one on my own. Had a real tough time figuring out how to establish the center fold.

With the Streamyx down, I was left there trying on my own. Gave up... Just couldn't remember how it was done. Hours later, was able to connect to the web and quickly I searched for the video on youtube. There were a few methods to make them but there was only 1 that resembles the way Gio taught me. And so, I sat in front of the com with the papers with me. The 1st rose that I made turned out to be a real mess.

After dinner, chat with dear awhile cos didn't want him to worry. Then had to offline to continue making them rose. At some point I was really tired. But I knew that I had to complete it before I meet him the next day. The 5th one turned out the best that I have seen so far. Thus, it was completed at about 3am. The excitement of seeing him on the next day kept me awake for quite some time despite I was laying on the bed trying to sleep.

The next morning, we met at the KTM Subang Jaya. Seeing his expression upon receiving it was priceless. I knew the effort was something that cannot be bought.

We spent the evening in his house. Side by side, we held each other on the bed. His smile ever so real. His gentle caresses left me wanting more. Our lips met and for the longest time I have ever yearned for. Sleeping beside him that evening was a long awaited moment. I have never felt any closer to him than that period of time.

Standing on the balcony we watched how the rain shifted from one area to another. We then moved to the bottom and in the after rain we sat on a bench. The chilly wind was just right that night.

After dinner, we set course for Kepong. As we reached Manjalara, I could no longer retain the my emotions. Warm liquid rolled down my cheek. I was overwhelmed by the sugary moments we had. Having this man in my life made it so much more colourful. What a silly moment. I knew soon we have to separate as the car got closer to the destination.

~Tears of joy~

Just To Be With You

This song has been in my blog for some time now if you guys noticed. One of my favourites sang by David Archuleta. I am not obsessed with David ok! Just that he has really good songs that somehow suits my feelings and thoughts :p

I’ve been alone so many nights, now
And I’ve been waiting for the stars to fall
I keep holding out for what I don’t know
To be with you
Just to be with you

So here I am, staring at the moon tonight
Wondering how you look in this light
Maybe you’re somewhere thinking about me too
To be with you, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do

And I can’t imagine two worlds spinning apart,
Come together eventually

And when we finally meet I’ll know it’s right
I’ll be at the end of my restless road
But this journey, it was worth the fight
To Be With You, just to be

Holding you for the very first time,
Never letting go (Never letting go)
What I wouldn’t give to feel that way

Whoooooooooo ooooh
Oh, to be with you

And I can’t imagine two worlds spinning apart
Come together eventually

And when you’re standing here in front of me
That’s when I know that God does exist
‘Cause he will have answered every single prayer
To Be With You
Just to be with you, yeah
Youuuuuuuuuuu...

~I wish to be with you~

Butterfly Encounter 2

Joining a team comprised of 4 person. We were required to gather specimens of insects and flowers. Bug catching was fun! My weapon of choice, the almighty plastic bags. Through observation of their flying pattern, I noticed that once they sense threat, they would fly up higher and higher in a kinda zig-zag pattern swaying to the left and right.

My cheap weapon works perfectly fine on those taking a break on a flower. We just need to get close enough without startling them. Then place the bag directly above them and voila~ They instantly fly into the bag.

On preserving the specimens, the admiration I had for butterflies no longer exist. I had killed the bugs selfishly just so I could get my marks. Seeing them pinned down and lifeless, had no meaning to me. It's as if seeing a rose plant with the flowers all cut off. I am sorry dear butterflies.

~Forgive me for the massacre~

Butterfly Encounter 1

It was one evening that permitted me to go out to play. I was in my kiddy days back then. Having fun has been a norm to me when the evening sets in. I stood on the porch. Setting my eyes on the dancing butterflies. Everyday, a couple of them would visit the variety of flowers at my home. They seem to have a liking for the little purple flowers. Occasionally they would take a look on the red and yellow ones too.

They were so pretty. I have always wanted to have lots and lots of butterflies floating around me while some would rest on my hands. But that evening, there was one particular butterfly that was resting on a flower. I slowly draw my steps. It didn't notice me I guess. Slowly and carefully I i placed my hands nearer... Yes!!! I clipped the wings with my fingers. Then I placed in on my palm thinking that it will walk on my hands. Before I knew it, it flew away leaving tiny particles on my fingers.

~Play with me pretty please~

Where are we now???

It all began on 1st of Dec when I accepted his add on messenger. Almost everyday we would chat on messenger. We even exchanged numbers so that keeping in touch would be easier. This 'someone' has been mentioned before in my previous post. Lets refer to him as P. Everyday I would wake up hoping to see him online. From our conversation, he gave me an impression that he is smart, friendly and cute. Day after day, I begin to miss him whenever I don't see him online. I would wonder what he was doing at moments when I don't see him online.

Every night, I would hug my bolster and imagine P being the bolster and hug him to sleep. How nice if could do that. Yesterday, we met up at the Kepong Jusco. I waited at the vege section(I know it's a little odd meeting place, LOL). There he stood in front of me in his blue T. The nervousness build up quick on me. It's one thing to chat online, but it's totally different face to face. But, P was good enough to kept the talk flowing although there were awkward silent moments. Hmm... I guess I really need to apply what I have learnt from my English lessons in uni. I failed terribly in keeping the conversation lively.

Dinner together at Food & Tea outlet. 1st time going there lor. The portion of the food is a little small but the drinks were okay. I wanted the mango Tong Sui there but apparently it's not available at the moment =( I ate slowly cos P have a little difficulty to eat at the moment. But turns out I ate too slow. He waited for me to finish =.=" Then we continued a short walk in Jusco and headed for The Fruity Stall in Kepong. It was raining that night and so he got the umbrella. While crossing the street, we held hands. Urm, easier to cross together mah! LOL! There at the stall, he knew practically what I wanted and he ordered for me >.<

After our food there, he sent me back to my home. While sitting beside him in his car, I couldn't stop smilling. hmm... but I really wished that the night wouldn't end. Time flew so fast. So many things running in my mind that giving directions to my home was a bit clumsy. With his car pulled up in front of the house, I glanced every direction seeing if there was any of the neighbours out there. None in sight! Phew! I hesitated at first. Not knowing if I should go for it. But, I didn't wanna lose the opportunity. There we were, in the car, our very 1st kiss. I didn't really felt the braces though. It's as if they weren't even there >.<

~Again please~

Birthday and Presents

Yups! Here are the presents. 13th of December was the birthday of my sis, Bernice and my roomie, Meng. Meng organized a birthday party at his home that night and I had my dinner there lor. I had a near vegetarian diet there lor. LOL! The only meat I ate was those tiny pieces in the fried vermicelli. And I took a mostly the mushrooms, broccoli, and tofu. I had tons of watermelon =) SWEET! Right after the party, Lee, Ben, Chean and I went For L4D 2. Fun! The graphics was better and there are more weapons and more zombies too! Cool!

Octopus bank for Meng!

Blackforest cake from Kimki.

A pig wrist support for my sis!

Bernice posing!

~Happy Birthday~

My New Haircut and something more...

Judging time! LOL! Due to the requests of several people. Here, enjoy!

:p the last 2 pic specially for you guys ;)

Cleaner Than Ever

The new maid came yesterday at about 8.30 in the morning. Her cleaning was superb! I must admit that I don't make a really good maid LOL. The kakak cleaned the whole house, all except for my room cos I volunteered to clean my own room. So there I was, early in the morning I vacuumed my room took out all the unwanted stuff(books, magazines, clothes) hmm... My room looks tidier now =)

With the terrible Streamyx connection, I was all to lazy to do anything online. So sleep was what I did. LOL! Occasionally I would online just to see if that 'someone' is online or not. At about 6.30 in the evening I head for the saloon. My long messy curling hair was begging for a makeover. Short! OMG! I didnt notice that she cut so much of my front hair ~.~ I was hoping for the sides to be short with my front still fairly long just like the below...

Junsu!!!!! Ain't he HAWT?!

I wanna have his style! This guy is Kim Junsu or also know as Xiah from the Korean group DBSK. He dances very well and I love his voice as well as his appearance :p He can be cute, sexy and hot!!! OMG! Just amazing!

~Sleepy... Nite nite~

Shop til Almost Drop

Went shopping for presents today. Went to Hoong's house at about 10.25 and we headed for the Kepong KTM station. My my... am I surprised. Soooooo MANY lengzai leh! WTF! As usual, there are more gals than guys at the station. But the guys there today was yum yum. I saw 2 particularly that caught my eye. 1 of them was wearing school uniform. Another one in formal. While the last guy was in T and jeans. But sad to say, lengzais that I meet are normally shorter than me ~.~ I too tall??? Don't think so lorh~ I only 173cm wor...

Anyways... After countless hours and walks and reentering the same shops... I finally got 2 presents! LOL! 1 for my roomie and another for my sis. Hoong with 7 presents if I am not mistaken. gulp... That is so many ~.~

What are the presents you may ask... well... Can't reveal yet :p
Wait till 13th Dec yea. kekeke!

After all the hunt, we had our lunch at Kenny Rogers. hmm.... I ordered the Cheesy chicken combo =) The spaghetti that came with it was terrible. My mum could cook better spaghetti. While the roasted chicken that came with it was okay =) A little expensive though... The 2 of us totaled up the bill at RM56. WTF!!! Hoong and I agreed it's a little over our budget. We wont be seeing Kenny for a looooong time :p

Back at Kepong, I waited the bus for nearly an HOUR! It would easily piss off most ppl i think... But happy to say I am most patient with it =) It's a merry merry month anyways... So cheers to everyone and may everyday be happy for each of my dear readers =)

~Shopping is tough job~

Getting Serious

I have decide to take things one step ahead. I will bear with the discomfort that comes with it. I decided that he should not hide under that comfort and it's time to be a man. Lets take it to the fabric!!! He should feel it. Yes, I understand the chances that he may stand up and give me a hell of a time but its now or never. And yeah, he has stood up several times and hit me hard, so hard I thought "shit! Have I taken it too far??? Will it leave a scar?!" I can't back down. I won't lose to you! I won't compromise no matter how many tantrums you may throw :p

~You have to feel it~

Dealing with Pain

I am sure everyone here knows what is pain. Pain comes in many forms. The most common form of pain that we recognize would be physical pain. Be it is toothache, wounds, or self inflicted pain, we always find ways to deal with it. There are people that likes pain, the sensation is converted into pleasure in their mind. But I am not one of them, so no worries =)

There are many ways that people deal with this pain that is mostly unwanted. Pain killers, anesthetic, drugs, smoking, you name it. There are plenty. Bruises after a gruesome sparring session are normally dealt with ice.

For me, I personally find that when I concentrate on my breathing, it eases the feeling. I do wonder why doctors or nurses tell mothers to continue to breathe when delivering their infants. Anyone knows the reason?

When in pain, I find that singing a song helps to ease it too. Anyone ever tried this? I think the main thing that we have to do is to put our concentration on something else and not the on the pain. When we know it hurts and keep thinking about it, the pain will just stay there.

The same concept applies to workaholics and devoted gamers. Their focus is on work/play and when they don't think about food. They can go on the whole day without noticing hunger. But when these guys stumble upon bloggers that constantly blog about food, it reminds them of their hunger. I think most readers also get this. Even when you are not hungry, but looking at the pictures of food on William's or TZ's blog will just make you feel wanting to eat or perhaps a slight hunger. I am really amazed by how our mind could actually control so many things.

~It is all in the mind~

No More Hiding

It has always been a problem for me. I knew I was different. It was always more pain than this. Each try I take a step further. Finally, I am able to see it at full. Naked to the eyes. It didn't look too shabby. No longer hiding. Pulling it back was really tough. But I guess I can't give up. I need to push on to get what I want. I need to be consistent at this if I ever want it to be easier. Practice practice practice. With more experience, I am sure it will get better. That sharp pain is nothing. your sensitivity will lose to my courage and persistence.

~You are so beautiful~

Typical of Bear???

Feeling really tired... I wonder why. I have been sleeping ALOT lately but never seem to have enough of it. So weak... So sleepy... About 9 hours daily and once 12 hours! OMG! Perhaps Bravebear here is affected by the winter??? Hibernate period... Sleep sleep sleep... Nitez eveyone =)

~Sleeping is Good~

L Report

The long awaited report is finally out. The results... Not what I wished for. So, this morning I went to the Kepong KTM at about 10.50 to meet L. The cab driver slaughtered me for Rm6. T.T damn expensive le taxi rides... I waited for awhile and the train arrived at 11.38. We then took a cab back to my place. We shared out the cost.

Back at my home, we had no idea where to start. @.@
So I suggested that we have a little chat first. Minutes later... We froze. Not knowing how we should start this experiment... I was nervous. But in the end, decided to just go for it. I sat closer to him. I look him in the eyes but just couldn't get myself to land the kiss on him on the 1st attempt cos I let out a laugh. Funny leh~
After a few failed attempts I managed to calm myself and I as my lips drew closer, he backed out. He was nervous too... Then I suggested that perhaps he should lie down on the bed. Gave him a french but he reli didn't know how react =.="


We unclothed ourselves. Skin to skin, with me on top. Another make out session. Slowly I moved to the neck. Then the nipples... As I moved further below, L stopped me. He said it was a nice feeling but he is not used to being gorged. LOL! Skipping the elaboration... A handjob + blowjob for I dont know how long with all the kissing and grabbing :p

After cleaning ourselves, we took our lunch at a coffee shop near my house(Restaurant Chu Yu). First time having my lunch there LOL! yea yea... So near my house oso never eat thr before. Judge me if u want :p

After lunch, we chat for for a little while and I send him off at about 2.40.

From the experiment, I found out that he enjoys the neck part and blowjob(licking his balls seems to send waves of excitement :p). But according to him, he thought it would be more enjoyable and he didn't reli like the early parts of kissing. sigh... Perhaps I am inexperienced and unable to satisfy him... Nevermind that now. And there I was thinking that I would be emotionally impaired after I know the results. But guess what... I am fine though.

As for me, I found out that I still enjoy the kissing, touching and hugging most... Easily satisfied perhaps... Anyway, a nice experience to boost my confidence and skill =) Good news to many though~ I am still single and available. LOL!!! XD

~kiss me~

Experiment L

I added someone on msn about 2 days ago(or was it 3?). He is a young lad which I will refer to as L. He came asking me for an experiment. He wanted to find out the answers to whether he is confused. I was shocked by his request and I was afraid that he could be a psycho or some sort of trap to get me. I was reluctant to the request of the boy. Perhaps his hormones were acting and he was horny and wanted a fuck buddy or something. So I decided to fall back and see how it might go.

I asked many questions to get a general idea of his condition. From the information that I have gathered, I somehow felt that he is genuine in finding out and to be confirm the he could be one of us. That is given if what he said is nothing but the truth. Perhaps he is really confused. Perhaps he knows and he couldn't accept it until he tries out the experiment. Or perhaps, he is just pretending to get to know me. I am not clear. But this is an opportunity to get to know someone. Perhaps I might find myself a potential bf. If things don't work out, it would still be a good experience.

Somehow I can't stop thinking that he might be a confused straight or bi. And by agreeing to the experiment is like taking advantage of a puzzled little boy. I feel guilty. But then again, I am afraid he would find someone else and things might go bad. At least I am sure, if it were to be me, he would be safe from the monsters outside. Yeah~ I am desperate. But I know clearly this is an experiment to help him. We won't be having anal sex, this I can guarantee :p

L is 20 this year. Yet, I can't help to feel that he is a little boy in need of some guidance from me. From the way he writes and respond as well as his picture, he is really cute! He is a really good listener too. I told him stories of me and he seems to be really eager to know. I really do wish that this isn't some sort of trap or experiment. Bcos slowly, I know I will fall in love with the test subject and it will be difficult for me to regain my grounds again. Even as I am typing this out. I know I have a little feeling for the test subject. Hope I will be able to control myself and wait for the conclusion of the experiment.

~Chances come and go, I will try to make it happen~

Double Movie

Yesterday I went to watch 2 movies in MV. The 1st was Raging Phoenix, a thai action movie with lots of fight scenes. OMG! So damn cool! Their fight is like dancing! So smooth and fast. If you think Jackie Chan and Jet Li is good. I can tell you they are way better. Totally blew me away with their cool moves. Comparable to OngBak but this is slightly better. As for the storyline, is just so so... Nonetheless, one of the best action-packed movie I have ever watched.


2 hours later I lined up again to see what other movies are available. And to my surprise there was a cute guy at one of the counters. In my heart was going, "Please let me go to his counter! Please! Ring the bell! Me! Me! Me!" As if fated that we will meet. He quickly finished of the current customer and rang the bell. I took my time walking slowly towards him. And waited for him to greet me. Gosh! His eyes could have killed me! They were sending strong currents to my heart. Its pumping faster than normal. I can feel every pulse of it.


I asked for tickets for 2012 at 5.15 pm and was damn lucky as there were 2 more seats at the back available. phew! I forgot to present my student card on purpose~ LOL! "sir, next time whenever you go to any cinema, please present your student card 1st", he said that with a smile I swear I could have faint! He iz not chinese(I think). He has that mixed Thai look. Sorry for the poor picture quality though =(

2012 was a good watch. Made me laugh for the early parts of the movie. LOL! The whole cinema was so quiet. Breaking the silence was my extremely loud laugh and I thought it was a comedy. To my surprise, no one laughed along =.=" Why is everyone so serious. Perhaps they don't get the joke~

A few parts of the movie did manage to touch me. The sensitive and emotional side of Bear came out and tears was feeling my eyes for a fraction of a moment. LOL! Those part when they show ppl dying and all... But the tears only stayed in my eyes. Too little to roll down my cheek. LOL! Overall, a not to be missed show of the year. I have been leaving comments in other blogs regarding the way I wanna die if the world comes to an end. That is to have sex on that day! hahaha! I don't wanna die a virgin yea :p

p.s: I went to the movies ALONE! hu wanna be my bf? :p

~Is my student card applicable to a dinner for 2 of us?LOL~

The New Maid

Be happy for my mum! My mum finally got a maid! Yippie! She doent need to cook anymore. The new maid is officially the new cook and cleaner. Best of all, he is a guy. Woots! He is so cute! I can't stop looking at him. Topless most of the time. With a smile that melts the coldest of hearts. Gosh! I wish he is my boyfriend.


Coincidentally, his name is Bernard. Am I not in love with him. Ain't he not gorgeous. Not the one on top, silly. You guys have actually seen his photos a couple of times. Yes! Its none other. You guessed it. This young lad has been sleeping so much that the mum had to put him to work. Best of all, the sisters love his cooking =.=" They complain about mums cooking but not his. That iz unfair!

~Get me my lunch Bernard!~

Pearl Milk Tea

A trip to the night market is never complete without getting myself something sweet. The usual would be an ice-cream or cendol. But last monday I decided to get bubble tea milk all thanks to sis that kept bugging me to walk the market. Nah! Can't blame her, blame my sweet tooth =)


My sis initially wanted to get the blueberry flavour but ended up adding ice-cream to the mix. There were so many options to choose from I had a tough time deciding what to get. Honeydew, mango or papaya and the list goes on...

Pearl milk tea, also called bubble tea or boba tea is a really popular drink that originated from Taiwan. As the growing demand for this beverage grows, many variants were created. The fruit pearl tea is most apparent in local night markets.

The 'Pearl' of the beverage is typically made of tapioca. But there are other 'add-ons' that are being used such Nata de coco and jelly. I used to really dislike the pearls cos they were sticky and I had a hard time chewing them. The pearls weren't at the right size too, they were slightly larger than the hole of the straw =.="

RM2.70 at my local night market but the price varies among different location. For more info regarding bubble tea click here

My favourite flavour would had to be... hmm... if you have been following my posts you most probably would know =)
So, which flavour suits you best?

~hard time sucking 'em up~

Prayers For Bobby

Has been 2 days since the finals ended. What have I been doing? Online 24 7... Nah, just kiddin'... But I have been sleepin' and eatin' alot these 2 days.
Just like this mornin', 2 half-boiled eggs with Gardenia bread.
Afternoon, white rice with home-cooked bean sprouts and eggs fried with onions.
Tea time, A cuppa tea and 2 self prepared ham sandwiches with lotsa mayo and chilly sauce.
Dinner, horfun + bihun with soup packed from a local hawker. Something wrong here, eat way too many eggs...


Besides sleepin', did the dishes, laundry, mail a letter for mum, and ugh... ONLINE most of da time =) What I do online you may ask... I watched 2 movies today! one of it being Prayers for Bobby under the recommendation of Green once again. The other would be The Matthew Shepard Story. Hmm... I liked Prayers for Bobby. And I am not afraid to admit that I cried a couple of times. It's a true story based on a real life experience. Throughout the movie, I wasn't mad at Bobby's mum cos I know all she wants is to set her family on the right path. The sad part is she doesn't realize that her ignorance and unwillingness to understand his gay son is what that has caused so much pain to her son. I guess this movie also clearly shows what people are nowadays. They choose ignorance and when they lost the person they love only that they would learn to accept and treasure. Sad indeed.


Is it too late when we lose someone only we realize of our mistake?
I don't think so. Certainly its painful. It won't be easy to overcome the losses. But it's also from these mistakes that we better ourselves. I believe its never too late for anything because its always better to be late than never. Agree? I really hope that everyone out there be it straight or queer would take some time to watch this movie. Treasure the ones you love and try to understand each other.


Gay is not a disease. It needs no cure. God has set the world to be a colourful one. Embrace diversity~

To Homophobics, put yourself in our shoes before you say a word be it from your mind or your referred textbooks or Bible.

Mary Griffith,
"Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember.
A child is listening"

~You are never too late~

Rejected

I guess the title explains it. At about 6.15 p.m was the time I received the verdict. I thought I was doing fine. No tears. The heart pumped all its best to support my emotions. As if some pressure has been placed upon my chest. But I still maintained my composure. Until...

"When you thought that nothing ever exist... I am here to tell you you're wrong... I made a choice to regret... and its totally my lost... For once and last.... Love you~"

Those are the very last words that I notice. It carved itself into my heart. Digging every inch of it. And I finally lost it. I gave in to my feelings and tears came on its own.

But knowing this now is a good thing. I need not wait for him any longer. I can finally step away from this detour and continue on my path. I truly appreciate even if our hearts connected for a short moment. Perhaps its too soon. Perhaps our paths may cross again. The probability are endless. I will move on but in my heart will always remain a spot for you.

p.s: a hidden message between the lines might answer your curiosity~

~Love you too~

You Can

Last night, all of a sudden this song came into my head. I kept playing it... wondering if that 'someone' is listening to it too. I really think this is a beautiful song. I wonder if that 'someone' would agree that this song somehow represents what he feel. Because it certainly does depict how I felt...

Have a nice day everyone!

By David Archuleta,

Take me where I’ve never been,

Help me on my feet again.

Show me that good things come to those who wait.

Tell me I’m not on my own.

Tell me I won’t be alone.

Tell me what I’m feelin’ isn’t some mistake.

‘Cause if anyone can make me fall in love,You can.

Save me from myself, you can.

And it’s you and no one else.

If I could wish upon tomorrow,

Tonight would never end.

If you asked me, I would follow.

But for now, I just pretend.

‘Cause if anyone can make me fall in love,You can.

Baby, when you look at me,

Tell me, what do you see?

Are these the eyes of someone you could love?

‘Cause everything that brought me here,

Well, now it all seems so clear.

Baby, you’re the one I’ve been dreamin’ of.

If anyone can make me fall in love,You can.

Save me from myself, you can.

And it’s you and no one else.

If I could wish upon tomorrow,

Tonight would never end.

If you asked me, I would follow.

But for now, I just pretend.

‘Cause if anyone can make me fall in love…

Only you can take me sailin’ in your deepest eyes.

Bring me to my knees and make me cry.

And no one’s ever done this,

Everything was just a lie.

And I know, yes I know…

This is where it all begins,

So tell me it’ll never end.

I can’t fool myself,It’s you and no one else.

If I could wish upon tomorrow,

Tonight would never end.

If you asked me, I would follow.

But for now, I just pretend.

If anyone can make me fall in love,You can.

Show me that good things come to those who wait...

~follow your heart~

The White Dragon

The dark world appear again
for the second time
the same thing

A field trip I presume
I was walking up a hill
the trail had nothing much in particular
upon arriving on top
there is this semi ovaled fishing pond
man-made
we were awed
its so quiet and peaceful
the waters were crystal clear you can just see the bottom
there came a fish
not just any fish
An Arowana
I shouted "Arowana! Arowana!"
Out of no where an old man appeared
he said "Ikan Hantu"
Something iz not right though

the fish is not in the water!

as if a tiny little white dragon

suspended in mid air...

Upon returning to the classroom

a female "bertudung" and I had a conversation

I suppose she iz the lecturer

she complained how my grades are dropping

and my assignments are incomplete

I took a glance at the assignments she was referring to

it was as thick as 3 Oxford Dictionary students edition piled up together

WOAH!

Awakened by the morning sunlight =)

~A sign of my laziness perhaps~

Missed it!

Lets talk about yesterday, I sat for Ichthyology paper and was totally screwed! But my carrying marks should be able to compensate for my mistakes and still retain the A. Right after the paper, I returned to my room to discover that I my wardrobe has only 3 shirts and they are all unpresentable(suitable for classes only). Without thinking much, I grabbed a T from my roomie's. The over-sized dark blue T look like a potato sack on me. Had to tuck in to make it less baggyand fold up the sleeves... Gee~ Guess I shouldn't complain since it was my fault for not bringing any of my Ts back to uni.

At exactly 5 I left my room for MV. Waited for 1 friggin hour for the bus. WTF! The busses are supposed to come every 30mins. They are obviously slacking! Upon reaching MV, I headed for the top floor. There is a PC & Electronic fair going on there. Why I was there? tee hee... I wanted to surprise a fellow blogger whom I wanted to meet too~ I didnt notify him of my visit and I rounded the whole place like about 10 times to search for him. OMG! tired le...

In the end didnt get to meet him but bumped into a few frens there. Dinner alone at Little Taiwan. Ordered a bowl of Spicy dumpling noodle which costs a whooping RM12! Gosh~ For its taste, I can cook up better food than that! The dumplings have this weird taste which I dont like as well. not to mention the portion, so small! The hungry little bear just didnt get enough out of that meal.

grabbed from I am who I am

On returning to uni, I saw this cute little guy with specs and braces in black collared T and jeans while I was at the KTM. He was hanging out with a group of nerdy looking guys. He stood out the most cos he was the only chinese! He is too cute! He has that nerdy look and he stood so near to me I cant help but to notice how nice his round butt was. In the KTM, there were a few times his back touched me and inside me there's this devil that keeps telling me to grab his ass! Hopefully this Bear wont turn into a perverted molester~

The entire journey back to uni was texting this blogger fren about how I went there to seach for him but didnt manage to see him. haha! As the bear was still hungry, went to the kiosk to grab some munch. The texting went on till the time I needed mai SLEEP~

That wraps up what I did yesterday.

~keep yerself alive till the day we meet~

Getting naughty!

I must be out of my mind! I just had 1 paper this morning and guess what... I only revised in the morning at 8 then straight go exam hall at 10.30. I hope mum don't see this post(I know she wont :D). OMFG! I can't believe I did that(for the very 1st time)! cramming all the points in my head within that time limit early in the morning was seriously killin' my brain cells. :S What a naughty little bear.


Read the latest chapter of Naruto and Bleach. Was hoping for more action and less talk. Is it just me or does anyone agree with me? Anyways, will be sittin' for the next paper tomorrow evening. Certainly hope I could get my head into the game. My concentration has been off these days and mum certainly wouldnt like it! Hopefully can maintain my grades to her satisfaction. Work harder Bernard!

Somehow I don't like the previous dream that I posted. My own interpretation of the dream:

The beautiful setting is what all gay wants. To live happily as who we really are. Crystal clear skies and flowers =) But then there is this dark clouds that forms an image of a giant octopus that wants to destroy us(Hatred/homophobia?). The happy family that ran pass me towards the monster kinda signal that its what the society is(supporting homophobia?). They ran in the opposite direction with ease(straight life?) while I struggled just to take a step(hardships of leading gay life?). And finally the giant octopus trying to swallow me(break what that is left of me?). I really wonder. What does the dream mean? I dont know about it but I certainly know that the giant Tako is definitely EVIL and wants me gone.

Anyone knows how to interpret dreams?

~Not a fan of Takoyaki~

Tako clouds

Something seems familiar

the crystal clear skies

the setting somewhere in the highlands

beautiful flowers

roses

sunflower

as I was walking on a trail of flowers

the skies slowly turned dark

as if a monster is being born from the sky

covering all possible sunlight

it engulf the skies

dark clouds growing

tentacles reaching out the white fluffy ones

forming an image of a giant octopus

It just kept growing

vicious wind kept blowing

as if a vacuum

pulling me closer to the epicenter

I tried to head to a shelter nearby

but every steps seems so heavy

as if chains of weight have been sealed upon my legs

I see a family

a young girl

next a boy

then came the father

the mother closely behind

they ran happily towards the giant monster

they ran so effortlessly

while my whole body could hardly budge

as if a spell has been cast upon me

it was so tiring

but somehow I know

my destination is the shelter

With huge wide steps I take

slowly

I know I will make it

but the monster

as if trying to swallow me

drew closer

and closer

and that is when

I see the lights of reality again

second time

the same world

~I dont like giant Tako~

Unproductive

This past week has been truly unproductive. I have did practically nothing at home. The usual combination of eat, sleep, online... Slack slack slack... Supposed to do revision but only read through. haiz... What is wrong with me. Every mornin' wake up straight turn on the com and look for food. Facebook just takes a whole lot out of my life. Mousehunting!

Brunch of the day = homecook Bak Kut Teh made by mum of cos.

Browsed the net searching for some part time for the coming holiday. Hopefully hit a good 1.

While chattin' with a fren of mine. Saw his status as "Do you really really love me?" and I somehow wanted to know who he was askin'. Not gettin' an answer from him kinda turn my mood near zero. No idea why I was eager to know. No idea why I would be emo. And when he finally gave an answer I still wasnt satisfied. Perhaps wasn't the answer I would like to hear. After awhile decided that I should take a nap and forget about.

Mum got back and dinner again Bak Kut Teh~ Round two! I muz admit that mums Bak Kut Teh is improving each each time. I critic alot yeah~ After dinner helped my mum wash all the dishes, sweep the kitchen and do some laundry. My sis bought 'Tau Fu Fah' again! tee hee! SO HAPPY =)

Did not even flip a page of any books or notes. Just like that I spent one whole freakin' day. Rate me. Judge me. You can all say what you want. LOL. I am not proud of how I spent my day anyways. bleh~

~why CAN'T I gain any weight lazying like this~

Tau fu fah

How happy of me

if everyday

I wake up to find my breakfast

ready on the table

prepared by the one I love

just like this morning

Although

i kinda wished

it was a him who prepared

nonetheless

I am grateful

that you cared

and

that you are still here

you might not know

but I really appreciate it

that bowl of 'tau fu fah'

~Bernice~

Hunt for pan mee

It has been almost 3 months since I last went to eat pan mee at a stall located in Sri Serdang. Its a 15 minutes walk away from my uni. After the test at about 11, Cyee and I decide to treat ourselves a nice bowl of pan mee. When we reached there, the stalls have been removed and we remembered she said about shifting her stall to a nearby shop. We scour the entire area for the shop! took us another 15 minutes on foot! I was sweating non-stop!

We gave up hope looking for it and decided to just go Bao Long(a nearby coffee shop with lots of food). Guess what... We saw her! I was like OMFG! I want my bowl of pan please!!!!! I am dying for it! Apparently she stopped selling pan mee ever since shifting to the new place because there were others over there that sells pan mee. I was really upset... DANG!

She showed us her new menu and I noticed the asam laksa! WooHooo!!! I was happy again but seconds later she told me run out of noodles to make the laksa... Damn it! In the end I ordered Horfun with soup. Haiz... But as always, she kept us satisfied by offering us extra fishballs and meatballs. Yay!!! I was immediately happy again! tee hee! Food food! and more food! meh~

Then on the back to uni I decided to grab a bowl of cendol to cool off... yum~ Sweet stuff just makes me happy =) Then while Cyee went to print some notes I got myself a glass of fresh mango juice! Wee~ Did I mention that I really like mango? My number 1 fruit! How can anyone not agree with me that mangoes are delicious!

Back to study now! Gambatte! RAWRRR!!!

~I am hungry~

Finals

The finals will be starting tomorrow. Yay! Finally the holidays are coming and I am so happy! My 1st paper will be on crustaceans(hopefully no need to draw those tiny little body appendages). I have not been putting enough effort in my studies compared to my previous semesters. Some may call me lazy but I have chosen to take things easy.

The previous semesters, I would stay up late till about 3 and wake up early in the morning at 5 to study(I am the last minute type of person yea), but this sem I didn't even bother staying up late to study finish every single chapter. Smart? nonono! I am just an average student that barely memorize anything and gets through by bullshitting. Study is definitely not my forte and I really don't have a liking for it. All this while is my competitive nature that have been fueling me to study. And of cos to satisfy my mum and to keep her from mumbling. And you must have guessed it, I am chilling off the engine for now. Don't want it to overheat! hahaha...

Can't wait to get all these exams over with :P

~I need my beauty sleep~

Bear on the Runway

Few days a ago I went to meet a friend of mine at his hostel. I had to return some stuff to him that night. As I was approaching him, I walked casually. He saw me and walked towards me too. The 1st sentence that came out wasn't the usual "Hi!" or "Hello". Guess what... He said "This is not a runway. There is no fashion show going on here. You don't have to walk like a model here." I was immediately giving him the =.=" look.

grabbed from lyramag.blogspot.com

grabbed from mrsmogul.blogspot.com

I was actually kinda happy with the comment of his. I may not show it on my face but in my heart I was smiling. Don't you guys think its a compliment? Maybe I am the undiscovered Malaysia Next Top Male Model! hahaha!

How about you guys? Anyone ever commented you havin' model qualities?

~Can you walk it?~

Zoo Negara 3

Ivan. Captured by Bern.

Ivan & Cyee. Captured by Bern.

Mememe! Captured by Ivan.

Today have been hectic! Just completed 1 assignment and 1 report. 1 more report to go before the finals starts on monday. There will be another field trip tomorrow and I so wanna go if I could finish the last report by tomorrow!

Regarding who I am in love with... hehehe... It has to be.... ME! LMAO!

~Love me please!~

Zoo Negara 2

Gosh... Have been a little busy with all the field trips, reports and assignments and they are still undone. Here is a little update on the zoo trip :P

Ivan! give me my legs! Cameraman Ivan!

Left me & right Ivan! Cameraman Cyee!

Oh yea! When I was at the zoo, we actually bumped into 2 Malay guys. And throughout half of the walk in the zoo, they were constantly around us. They pose alot in their pictures! Did I mention that they are PLU? Why do I say so? Logically thinking, 2 guys in their 20s walking the zoo and snapping photos with all the posing. Constantly perfecting their pose and complaining the shots aren't good enough. Walk closely with their butt bumping into each others. Drank from the same bottle! I am not a stalker okay... Just that I can't help noticing how happy love birds are in the public.

Aren't they adorable?

The picture was taken when I was on my way back to uni in the KTM. Love is all around me lately and its lovely to see people in love. Well, I am in love too~ with who you may ask. HeHe... Next post lah~
Stay tune for more picture updates on the zoo!

~Love is in the air~

Zoo Negara

Field trip alert!!! Bear and the bunch of ichthyology students went to Zoo Negara for a field trip. We departured from UPM at 9.40a.m and reached there at approximately 10.20a.m. We were 1st briefed by Mr. Herman about the zoo and its aquarium. Some interesting info that I picked up. Apparently Zoo Negara is a NGO (all this while I thought it belongs to the government!). which means they don't receive and funds from the government. All fundings come from the tickets sold from entries and sponsors. I personally donated money to the zoo charity! So proud of myself! And in Malaysia alone there are up to 600+ freshwater fish species that has been discovered and there are many yet to be discovered. I soooo wanna join the zoo negara team! They go on a lot of field trips to collect specimens from all over Malaysia for conservations purposes. Be it is aquatic flora or fauna. They will even begin their own breeding program to help preserve and hopefully increase the population of the endangered species.

Right after the briefing, we were separated into 3 groups. Each group entered the Aquarium Tunku Abdul Rahman(ATAR). They display more than 200 species of fish there! The concept of the aquarium is a travel based aquarium that displays fish(and aquatic plants) found in the highest parts of Malaysia(also include SEA) down to the coral reef area in a manner where we will travel downhill(one of its kind) and according to Mr. Herman it is a world class aquarium. Malaysia Boleh! hahaha...

Our task there was to record 30 freshwater species & 10 marine species of fish found at the aquarium. We were then allowed to travel the zoo till 2.30p.m. Yay!!! This was the part everyone was waiting for! We took pictures like we never have taken any! walk walk walk... and even had to run from places to place!(not much time left ma...)

Below are just some random pix that I took at the zoo.

some deers randomly taken from my SE K660i

Due to biosecurity reasons, please DO NOT feed the monkeys!

What a day! Tiring and sweat alooot! But it was fun =) Will be posting up the rest of the pictures later. Too much work at the moment!

Signing out~

~saw some really huge balls~

Signs of ageing

Yesterday night as I was in the bus returning to my hostel, I felt a sudden pain in the upper left region of my chest. It was as if someone punched me on the chest really hard. The pain started there and spread to my shoulder and later to my left arm. The sensation lasted for nearly 10seconds. I wasn't shocked at all. I guess the lack of exercise is getting to me. Or could there be any other reason. Haiz... Hopefully it's not a big deal. Better not tell my mum. She will get all worried. haha...

Maybe I should start back my jogging sessions. Laziness has overwhelmed me for a very long time. (Bernard, move your ass if you don't want to die young!) Argh... Not to mention reports and assignments pilling up. Tests are never ending. Presentation on a topic that I am not interested in. And all of a sudden I have lunch with J, tapau dinner for him and now helping him find assignment materials. What am I getting myself into??? Are we really just friends? Out of the blue he would ask me out for lunch. Then inquire my help to search stuff. Or renew his books from the library. It is really hard for me not to think about the possibilities of where this is all heading.

~puzzled~

A Ride Back Home

Yesterday night, I received an sms from Meng askin me to return to uni on my own. The problem is, I noticed the message at 8.00! Immediately I called J and asked if he could give me a ride back to uni. He sounded rather reluctant to give me a lift back(maybe cos of the way I have been acting lately). But after I explained the situation, he agreed to do so.

It was 8.30 and I was expecting his car to pull up in front of my house, but it turns out that his dad was driving and his mum was in the car too. When I was in the car, it felt awkward because it has been a long time since I last met his parents. I sat between him and his cousin sister. Am really glad that they kept talking the entire journey back to UPM.

It has been quite some time since he sat with me in the backseat. Sitting closely. Our arms and thigh touching. A warm feeling of being safe. Somehow, I missed that feeling(yeah, call me idiot or stupid). I was actually happy at that moment(Ish... ish... Bernard, always happy of small little things). *Stop dreaming Bernard! You 2 are long time over!*

As we were approaching Serdang, J suddenly poked me a couple of times. Slowly I turned to him, leaning slightly closer and I asked "ya?". "Your pants are unzipped", he replied. My eyes wide. Blushing. Oppssss... how clumsy of me ~.~

But it's kinda odd that he would notice. What I mean is, why would he look down at there? Not to mention that it was really dark. Seriously, even when I see any lengzai around me also I won't even take a peek at their wee wee area. Perhaps I am not Hamsap enough =.="

~Bernard, you gotta wake up!~

Barbecue turned Steamboat

Owh... I am STUFFED! I mean it. Went over to my babysitter's house at Taman Desa. We were invited to a so-called barbecue gathering but when we got there we noticed no fireplace! My sisters were disappointed as they were really looking forward to barbecue. We noticed a few large pots around and immediately knew its steamboat. Well, for me its all the same as long as there is FOOD! The soup was amazing~ gosh! it was perfectly sweet. The prawns were HUGE in containers with green mussels, scallops, salmon. Lotsssss of mushroom. Yummy! They even prepared 'Hak Yee Gai' or beggar chicken??? Along with roasted duck. OMG! I ate = (mum + 2sis) X 5

AHEM... for the very 1st time. Bear took Carlsberg! 1 can only la... HAHAHA... well, can't be blamed okay! my mum was around and the uncle and auntie only allow my to wallop 1. My second time consuming beer. The 1st one was Tiger during CNY. Hmm... between the 2, Carlsberg tasted better to me. Yups... Cheers!

~All you can eat steamboat buffet FOC~

Footprints of B & B

It was Autumn

where maple leaves shower

covering the very surface of her

the one we call mother

I walked and walked

in search of company

or maybe

just nuts, berries or honey

as i sniffed around

i spot a scent so familiar

with every step i draw closer

it grew stronger

without realizing

we were just inches apart

I looked at that odd looking figure

while its eyes stared right at mine

we checked out each other

somehow we are similar

yes...

it was another bear

his name too has B as a starter

we walked together down a narrow stream

I enjoyed the fun & laughter

how i wished we could keep walking together

to share our thoughts with one another

looking forward to the coming days

hoping our paths will cross again

but until then

take care my dear friend...

~i would like to be your friend~