Phase of Uncertainty

I recall a friend once said, "They do not understand because they do not go through what we do". They in this context are people that do not go through a phase in life where they doubt about their sexuality, in short, people that are homophobes. Not only PLU go through this phase, some straight people too.

From young remember how every single drama and movie I watch is always about guy kissing girl and happily ever after. I do find it sweet and romantic. I used to imagine myself marrying a women having lots of kids.

However, at the same time I am also attracted to guys. I remember staying up late to watch Survivor. I would sit in front of the screen admiring the good looks and body. As for the ladies, I could hardly remember their names. Even until now, I find it hard to memorize names of girls that I meet.

Sure enough later I find myself liking dicks guys more than girls when I was with my very 1st ex. But after we went separately, I find myself in a phase of uncertainty. Despite knowing that I like guys, I tried to go 'straight'. I tried really hard to make myself interested in a girl. Pretending that I want to know her. It was torturous. I question myself if I were gay, bi or a confused straight over and over again. 

I had no one to talk to. I wasn't participating in any blog or PLU support group. I was by myself, surrounded by homophobic people. Feeling that I am an outcast. Abnormal. Worse, I am new in uni with coursemates that are either racist or not-so-into-non-mandarin-speaking chinese.

Then came Jesus. I thought I could make it to the other side if I believed in him. At one point I really thought by accepting him I am saved. That I won't be thrown into the fiery pits of hell. The Christians offered me help on turning straight. Then came the doubt again. For all my life I had lived without HIM. Why would I trust my life in him?

That was the moment when I found PLU blogosphere. I read day and night. Knowing that I am not the only one going through all this puts me at ease. I used to think that being 'different' in Malaysia means you are as good as gone. The blogs shown me that there are many of us out there. Living all sorts of different lives whether they like it or not.

From the point I accepted being who I am, was also the end point of the phase of uncertainty. Being colourful is definitely special. Many dull 'normal' people won't like special people. It's hard being special as we are. But as I could recall, when I was a kid, I always wanted to be special. However, as I grow up, I just wanna be the same like others just so I can fit in. It shows how others can affect us, the way we think. 

I owe my freedom to those 'colourful' blogs.

Asexuals

It's weird how people can assume things to follow a certain pattern. What would you think if you discovered a bottle of lubricant or a packet of condoms in a persons belongings? What more when you know that guy has a boyfriend. Sex would be what most of us think of. Penetration to be precise. I find these people really cute. It's not wrong to make assumptions, but it may not always be what you pressumed. Not all gays are into anal sex. Some people enjoy masturbating with lubs and/or rubbers. It is a fact.

Ever heard of the term asexuals in the world of gay? I didn't really know about it until last December when dardar and I read about it from a brochure from PT Foundation. Apparently, people that are asexuals are people that do not have sex with others. They prefer playing themselves or doing some sexual activities together that does not involve penetration. I think I may be one lol... I wonder if dardar is too... hehehe!

My Current Stand

In response to a comment by anonymous, "well, it juz like, she might want u to get married and have a bunch of grandson/daughter for her...from ur blog i think u d only boy isnt it? so isnt juz u should carry ur family name to ur next generation...well, that's my opinion..sorry, no offence"

No offense taken.

My mum told me that she wants to travel around the world and not be my kids babysitter. Not that I do not want kids. I don't mind having adopted kids. Plus, when Hins Cheung came out, my mum still adored him and said that whoever he loves is his personal business. 

As for my family name, I don't think I have any obligations towards it. I am not into all the traditional stuff like passing on my name or whatever.

Honestly, if u are in pain because u are doing something unwillingly (such as studying medicine when your interest is fashion) do u not think that ur mom would feel the pain too. I think most parents just want to see their kids happy. My mom used to say that I should be a doctor or lawyer like most chinese parents would want. I said no because I have no interest at all. Rather than walking down a road unwillingly, I always believe that we should try to talk things out. I also believe in flexibility and freedom of choice as long as no harm onto others are done.

Why Do We Come Out?

The thing with coming out whether to friends or family, is to me a very important stage in a gay men life. I am quite sure many of us always think about having a life where we need not hide. Some say that our sexuality should be kept only to ourselves. Why do we want to tell others about it? There are always reasons to it. First, lets talk about coming out to friends. For me, I came out to my friends because I wanted people to know who I really was. There is this loneliness that lurks within me because I felt that I was different. Not being able to tell others made it worse. I feared that if I were to let anyone know I would get beaten up. The society would make me an outcast. I was also afraid that if the secrets burst out, my friends would leave me. Then again, I was already lonely in the beginning. Just imagine, have you guys been in a situation where your friends tell you that they know you better than yourself, they didn't know you were gay and they trash talk about gay stuff like they understand us? There is always a trigger that prompts us to do what we do. With all the worries I have, why do I still want to out myself? Simple, I just wanted to feel good about who I really am. Think about it, many people always try to do things to make themselves more special. They want to be someone different from others. For people like us, we are already different. We are already special but many of us just wished that we would be same like the others so that we can fit in the society like how others wants us to be. Note this, as human, we want things that we do not have. 

Then comes family, these are the people that we care most. Personally, I find coming out to family is a lot harder. Some might beg to differ? I am quite sure some of you have heard of stories like how a guy came out to his parents and his parents called the police, brought him to a psychiatrist, cut his allowances and so on. Why do I still come out? For me, my family are the ones that I am closest to, the ones that will be with me in times of need. We give support to one another. Home is where I feel most comfortable. A safe haven where I can be who I am in my most craziest form without putting on my mask of fake-ness. Some say that mothers know about their son. True for me, sometimes she just couldn't accept it because of any factor such as upbringing, education, traditional mindset and so on but one thing is for sure, she still loves me and care for me. Same goes with my sis, we may argue, quarrel, hit each other, but when it comes to family, we still care for one another. My sister always knew I am different. We would watch television together and comment on the cute guys. LOL! It is just so much fun to be plu having sisters that understands us. hehehe...

Never Forever-Lasting

Few weeks back there was a radio DJ that commented about how people think about marriage. Last time people would only think that their marriage is an eternal bond that binds the couple until they meet their grave. This may be true for many asians I supposed. He then added on that nowadays when people get married, they think of how long they will last. This really made me think why did the Terengganu government is offering free honeymoon to couples that are on the brink of divorce. There have been numeral reports that divorce rate in Malaysia is on the rise. So, do you feel the hypocrisy when straights point out that homos are discouraged because of their flamboyant nature? Then again, why are there cases of father raping their own daughter or grandchild? The LGBT has always been portrayed negatively. They just don't realize the damage they have brought upon the youngsters. 

On the other hand, I really wonder if gay couples could really live a life without penetration. I personally have never experienced anal even after being in 2 relationship. Cuddling, kissing, foreplay, mutual jerk off and some occasional oral is all that is enough for me. Anyone out there same like me?

L Report

The long awaited report is finally out. The results... Not what I wished for. So, this morning I went to the Kepong KTM at about 10.50 to meet L. The cab driver slaughtered me for Rm6. T.T damn expensive le taxi rides... I waited for awhile and the train arrived at 11.38. We then took a cab back to my place. We shared out the cost.

Back at my home, we had no idea where to start. @.@
So I suggested that we have a little chat first. Minutes later... We froze. Not knowing how we should start this experiment... I was nervous. But in the end, decided to just go for it. I sat closer to him. I look him in the eyes but just couldn't get myself to land the kiss on him on the 1st attempt cos I let out a laugh. Funny leh~
After a few failed attempts I managed to calm myself and I as my lips drew closer, he backed out. He was nervous too... Then I suggested that perhaps he should lie down on the bed. Gave him a french but he reli didn't know how react =.="


We unclothed ourselves. Skin to skin, with me on top. Another make out session. Slowly I moved to the neck. Then the nipples... As I moved further below, L stopped me. He said it was a nice feeling but he is not used to being gorged. LOL! Skipping the elaboration... A handjob + blowjob for I dont know how long with all the kissing and grabbing :p

After cleaning ourselves, we took our lunch at a coffee shop near my house(Restaurant Chu Yu). First time having my lunch there LOL! yea yea... So near my house oso never eat thr before. Judge me if u want :p

After lunch, we chat for for a little while and I send him off at about 2.40.

From the experiment, I found out that he enjoys the neck part and blowjob(licking his balls seems to send waves of excitement :p). But according to him, he thought it would be more enjoyable and he didn't reli like the early parts of kissing. sigh... Perhaps I am inexperienced and unable to satisfy him... Nevermind that now. And there I was thinking that I would be emotionally impaired after I know the results. But guess what... I am fine though.

As for me, I found out that I still enjoy the kissing, touching and hugging most... Easily satisfied perhaps... Anyway, a nice experience to boost my confidence and skill =) Good news to many though~ I am still single and available. LOL!!! XD

~kiss me~

Experiment L

I added someone on msn about 2 days ago(or was it 3?). He is a young lad which I will refer to as L. He came asking me for an experiment. He wanted to find out the answers to whether he is confused. I was shocked by his request and I was afraid that he could be a psycho or some sort of trap to get me. I was reluctant to the request of the boy. Perhaps his hormones were acting and he was horny and wanted a fuck buddy or something. So I decided to fall back and see how it might go.

I asked many questions to get a general idea of his condition. From the information that I have gathered, I somehow felt that he is genuine in finding out and to be confirm the he could be one of us. That is given if what he said is nothing but the truth. Perhaps he is really confused. Perhaps he knows and he couldn't accept it until he tries out the experiment. Or perhaps, he is just pretending to get to know me. I am not clear. But this is an opportunity to get to know someone. Perhaps I might find myself a potential bf. If things don't work out, it would still be a good experience.

Somehow I can't stop thinking that he might be a confused straight or bi. And by agreeing to the experiment is like taking advantage of a puzzled little boy. I feel guilty. But then again, I am afraid he would find someone else and things might go bad. At least I am sure, if it were to be me, he would be safe from the monsters outside. Yeah~ I am desperate. But I know clearly this is an experiment to help him. We won't be having anal sex, this I can guarantee :p

L is 20 this year. Yet, I can't help to feel that he is a little boy in need of some guidance from me. From the way he writes and respond as well as his picture, he is really cute! He is a really good listener too. I told him stories of me and he seems to be really eager to know. I really do wish that this isn't some sort of trap or experiment. Bcos slowly, I know I will fall in love with the test subject and it will be difficult for me to regain my grounds again. Even as I am typing this out. I know I have a little feeling for the test subject. Hope I will be able to control myself and wait for the conclusion of the experiment.

~Chances come and go, I will try to make it happen~

Fragile

I was never a fan of Thai movies. I have never watched any movie with a gay love theme till recently. Bear loves happy endings. The sad endings just breaks my heart. I never thought it would leave such a great impact on me. I feel so weak now. Hoping someone would be there for me to pour it all out. Bear knows its just a movie. No need to be so emo. But somehow... the movie reminds me so much of 'him'. The way 'he' caresses me. Jokes with me. Held me in 'his' arms. The way 'he' took my hands and we would walk the streets. The piggyback ride where people would stare at us but we would just ignore. I missed it so much. Hurts so much to think of it.

Even the final scene of the movie. Reminds me of what I asked 'him'. Its as if at that moment I was Mew and 'he' was Tong. After we broke up, I tried to forget him. Hating him. I try my best to avoid him. Whenever he spoke to me I would scold him. So stupid of me. Immature. Childish. 'He' still cared for me. No matter how much I make him angry he wouldn't mind. Only after the movie I realized that 'he' still cared for me even when we couldn't be together. Even at lunch that day, he noticed that I was down. 'He' asked if I was okay. 'He' asked me to tell 'him' whats wrong. The more 'he' cared for me, the more painful it is for me. But I was happy at the same time. From now on lets refer 'him' as J.

~handle with care~

The Love of Siam

Call me outdated. But its always better to be late than never! This movie captivated my heart. A story about love, friendship and family. Mario Maurer as Tong and Witwisit Hiranyawongkul as Mew are neighbours at the start in this story.

Tong and Mew became best friends. Tong got a Christmas present for Mew which is a wooden doll that is comprised of a few components. Tong made it a treasure hunt for Mew to get his present. But the last piece of the doll(the nose) was hidden on a tree and it got lost cos the tree got chopped off. After the lost of Tong's sister, Tang, their family decided to move. The 2 had to be separated(cried the 1st time).
After years had passed, the 2 were reunited. Mew, talented in music finds inspiration to write love songs through Tong. As for Tong, he has a girlfriend named Donut(yeah... wad a weird name) but he don't really have any feelings for her.
1 night, Tong's mother saw Tong kissing with Mew in the backyard of their home. And also due to the incident where Tong went to overnight at Mew's place worried her more. She confronted Mew and asked him to let go Tong(damn... i cried again).
After that, Mew avoided Tong. He even doesn't want to sing anymore for his band cos he no longer has the 'feel' to sing. But on Christmas, Mew agreed to give it a try and sing at Siam Square. Tong meets Donut and officially broke up with her! He rushed to the square to see Mew's performance.
After the performance, Tong went to see Mew.

Tong: The music was great.
Mew: Do you have anything to say after listening to it?
Tong: Umm... I can't be with you as your boyfriend. But that doesn't mean that I don't love you.
Mew: Thank you. (Mew smiled)
(Oh, here it started flowing again) T.T

Tong passed the last piece of the doll to Mew as his Christmas present. At the end of the movie, Mew placed the last piece on the wooden doll and said thank you. He then cried quietly(i cried again).

Watching this movie made me think of 'him'. The past we had. The times we spent together. I could somehow relate to Mew's loneliness. Things just got worse when 'he' called me out for lunch. I just kept thinking about all the stuff. Gosh...

During dinner, I didn't have much appetite. My tears rolling... thinking of the movie. Flashbacks of the moments we were together. I don't want my mum to know of this love. Afraid that she couldn't accept it and would emotionally breakdown. My mum was there in the kitchen and she saw me. I couldn't control myself. The fear was so great that my tears kept rolling.

Mum: What happen? Did anyone bully you?
Bern: No... nothing...
Mum: Then why you crying? Just tell me.
Bern: Nothing... I... It just that... I don't think I like girls.
Mum: Don't think too much. You are still young.
Bern: No. I don't like girls not cos no girl like me. But its cos...
Mum: Boy, don't think too much. You are still young. Just concentrate on your study. Don't think about it.

Mum walk off to her room. I continued eating my dinner. I wonder if she understood that I wanted to tell her that I like guys. Such a crybaby I am. Cry so much...

~crybaby bern~

Denial

Denying who I really was... that was what I was doing a year ago up until 3 months ago. Thinking that I would be able to change. Thinking that I could bring myself to have that 'feel' towards a female homo sapien. How silly of me... How much of me that I have yet to discover? How much does my friends know about me? How much do we really know about each other? What are friends? really... more questions keeps popping up in my head. For even I don't understand about myself, don't you dare say that you understand me!

I was talking to Ben at the cafe in the evening. Ben was talking bout how he knows about Jo-n and that she will only be more furious to go play tennis alone that evening after everyone decided not to turn up. He also talked about why we MUST care, take notice and know our friends cos we wont get anywhere in life if we don't... MUST? Are you kidding me Ben? You don't even know me! And how much of life do you know about to talk about it with so much confident? Honestly, the ego of humans makes us think that we are intellectual and knowledgeable. Ben, if you are reading this... don't assume you know a lot! there is more to a person than you can ever imagine. People can change. It may take 1 year, half a year, 1 month, a week, a day, or even a minute to change!!! Don't underestimate anyone!!!

last week Bear went IK meeting in the GAZEBO. It was interesting cos they showed this video of the galaxy and stuff. I knew that the stars were beautiful as I really like to look at the skies at night. Never have I imagine about how they really look like nor have I searched or it in the Internet. But the video was to tell us that we are in fact really small. I feel so little not by comparing myself with the size of the sun nor the size of solar system or universe. For that moment, it struck me that why they need to compare with something so big to see ourselves as tiny??? Was it even necessary? I could be standing a kilometer away from you and you wouldn't even be able to recognize its me. Watching the video was interesting cos I saw many new things but I just don't get the idea of comparing so far away when the comparisons could be done on earth itself. It makes no sense to me why they keep stressing that the earth is a tiny pale blue dot! Geez... Does it matter if the earth is so damn small? wadever you wanna say lah~

~how SMALL are you?~

The StoryTeller

This is to those who wish to know about me.



May 23 1988, to the world Bear arrives. No memories of how my maternal grandparents look like. But I do get dreams of my grandma bringing me to the market telling every1 that I am his grandchild. As for my father side, I have grandpa which I adore so much. I would never forget the day I got a fever and my grandpa carried me in his arms to a clinic. My grandma passed away before I was born, but I do have a stepgrandma. She just luvs to cut my hair. Everytime I visit them, she would complain about how long my hair is. But I know about the past thing that she did. When I was still an infant, she would leave me to cry when my parents are out for work. How do I know? My mom told me that the neighbours complained about it. Knowing this I actually kinda hated her. But years have passed... Forgiveness! Besides, she aint really that bad... ppl can change.



My parents are FOREVER bz. Studying in a kebangsaan school I have frenz of multi races. yeah~ I cant speak Mandarin, so what!!! I didnt choose to be in a kebangsaan school! My dad just didnt like the idea of me going to a chinese school cos he doesnt know MANDARIN!!! But I did picked up Cantonese while I was staying with the babysitter. My besties in primary school, Cheryl, Mei Jun, Adrina (yeah... they are all girls). We played all kinds of stuff. Wai Leng living near my house we would always play badminton tgt. After school I would play tag and hide & seek with Chee Loong, Chee Tat and Wai Leng. Sitting between Ivan & Serene is just fun-filled because they just love to quarrel!!! So much drama everyday! And I would never forget Kerryn, she is the 1st friend that I ever quarreled with. Being with my frens are the best times I had.



My dad, K.S Voon would never give me money to go for school trips. No Angpows. No birthday presents. No Mcdonalds. No nothing!!! He is a lazy slacker that goes to work late in the afternoon. My parents work together selling tiles and toilet accessories. My mom would go to work early in the morning while my dad sleeps. My dad would come home late at night drunk. What a pathetic dad to have. He would only buy things he likes. Never anything that we want. Clothes, food, toys, everything given by my mom. She works and comes home to cook. She is a machine! I love her so much!

My dad speaks no reason for he thinks that he is forever right. There was once the door was left open cos my sis 4got to close it. I was sleeping. He came back and saw the door was opened and without questioning he decided it was my mistake and called for me. I told him that it wasnt me that left the door opened and next next second he slapped me on the face. He would pinch me on the cheek or thigh when I accidentally scratched his car. I really hated him. I wished he was dead so many times...



Things turn bad when I was in standard 5. My dad cheating on my mom. The Bitch even came and broke our house window. My mom forgived dad cos she wants us to have a complete family. Standard 6, my grandpa finally rest in eternal slumber. The killer = lung cancer. I have never felt so much pain. The grandpa that I would visit everytime during CNY and christmas. I would keep quiet each time ppl talked about their families. I have no idea what to say. I even hated my sis back then when we were small. She is an introvert that doesnt like to share and we would fight for every single thing. I hated my family so much I wished that I only have grandpa and mom with me. Bonnie, my youngest sis born this year too.

Form 1. Ended up in the second class. Joined Taekwondo. Met this irritating guy that keeps talking to me. I just ignored him but he never gives up. My parents finally break up when my dad cheated on my mom again. My parents business gone into bankruptcy. My sisters, mom and I moved over to my uncle's house in Desa Jaya. Its a very dirty house. I even slept with rats and cockroaches. My mom went from a lady boss to a factory worker. Everyday she looked so weak and sad. I started to really do chores. Although I started doing chores at 9 y/o, it used to be just wash shoes and fold the clothes. But now I have to cook and wash clothes too. Lucky I picked up cooking when I was 9. I decided to remain in SMKB cos I dont wanna lose my frens. But without realising it, I lost most of my frens when I kept studying trying to fight back a spot for 1st class. I became an introvert. Keeping all things to myself.

Form 2, I made it into 1st class. The irritating guy from taekwondo came and sit with me in class. He just wouldnt give up. I ignored him but he would grab my ass each time during recess. I finally gave up and started talking to him. We became best frens in no time.

Form 3, we studied together after school and practiced taekwondo together and I was really happy whenever I was with him. He taught me all kinds of stuff. From studies to games. My very 1st experience with a guy was also him. Yeah, I guess I discovered that I liked guys cos of him. But it all started as just havin fun but I guess I really fell for him. 1 day I asked my uncle's wife to borrow RM50 to pay for taekwondo fee. Guess what??? She went and told my other aunts that I stole her money when I was out for practice. And when I got back home, my mom questioned me in a very bad mood about it. Few months later that BITCH made tons of calls and the telephone bills soared. She accused me for making them and my mom cut off the service. DAMN her!!! She wanted to have us gone.
7As for my PMR, but my mom just wouldnt want to say that I did good. MOM, CAN'T U JUST SAY THOSE WORDS? All i ever wanted was to hear those words. I just want motivation. All this while anything other from A is a fail to you. even when I finally got all As you just wouldnt say them... It hurts me alot you know? each time you complain to the teachers and my frens that I am naughty and I dont study. CANT YOU JUST UTTER THOSE WORDS???

Form 4, we broke off as I wasnt mature enuff to maintain the relationship. I lost all motivation to study. Results dropping real bad. And I lost almost all my close frens as we are seperated into diff classes. I tried really hard to make new frens. Everyday I would talk to every1 but no1 seems to accept me into their gang. I felt so lonely. I even thought of suicide...

Form 5, I gave up trying to make frens. Hoong and Meng would come over to my class during recess and it cheers me up knowing that they remembered me. With my results dropping, my mom start to nag everyday. But somehow managed to pull off 8 As and 2 Bs.

Going to F6, my results in form 6 is just the worst of the worst. Hardly passed any subjects. As usual, all the nagging from my mom. I became immune it. No longer have any interest in studying but going F6 cos I didnt know what to do. Started all sorts of on9 and computer games cos I can finally on9 at home. We shifted back to Sri Sinar as its easier to go school and also due to the fact that my BITCHY aunt wants us to leave. Made some new frens, Dexter and Lun. They were my closest friends.

And now... ended up in UPM. My roommate Meng, THX =) joined IKUPM and met Peter and Boon. We would go swimming, basketball, badminton, orchard and durian together. THX both of you. My maple account got hacked, I lost any motivation to play on9 games & stopped playing dotA. From accepting Christ I thought I have finally found the answer to all my pain and suffering. I prayed to GOD for friends, love and attention. Few months ago I had a crush on a guy. I confessed to him and even tried to ask him out. I started coming out as myself. Yeah, I AM GAY! But a few days ago, I realized that GOD, friends, love & my wishes isnt what I was seeking. For years I hated my life cos I dont have a complete family. I hated my dad. I get angry at every mistake that ppl make. I get angry when ppl do things slowly. I even hated MYSELF! I thought by having a strong mind I will be able live a life without pain, sorrow, disappointment...

I finally realized that all this while I am not satisfy with what I have is due to my LUST & DESIRES. I wanted love, care, attention, friends just like everyone. Having hope, desires and expectations left me with despair, sorrow, disappointment... I decided to rid myself of all expectations and desires for the materials, love and sorts... For I realised that nothing is forever. Everything that has a beginning has an end. Thank you to all of you who cares about me. But love hurts me alot. I can no longer share love with you guys. I am an empty person now. As good as dead.



~Goodbye lust, desire, expectations~