Reconnecting

Friends come and go. At least that was when I was still studying. There is one particular guy that first taught me how to play digimon on ps1. I would go over to his home and play together. Sometimes he would come to mine. We were about 11 years old back then. It all started with games only. Then, I slowly developed interest in him. I was curious to check out his weener back then. I would try to spy on him when he goes to the toilet. Didn't manage to see it, but I did manage to grab it once! That was when I won him in the digimon battle. hehehe... 

Last time before I go to bed, I would be thinking of him. Think of how nice the next day would be if I get to meet him again. At that time I really felt that he was lengzai. No other sexual thoughts though. I didn't even know what was frenching until form 3. But one thing is confirmed, I was interested in 'bananas' only even at that stage. 

I have forgotten that he was actually the first guy that I started showing signs of attraction towards the same gender until we recently reconnected each other on FB. Memories... Besides him, I have got 2 other friends on my FB list that I lost contact after we left primary school and only recently found each other. All thanks to FB ^__^

J: The Romantic Bastard

 I have been missing for a few days. Reason is that I had trip to Ipoh for the very first time. All thanks to request from J. We were there to act as extras for a local tv series, Rantau Harimau. The setting was taken in a waterfall area in Tapah. The place is pretty cool, flowing river, hot spring and lots of butterflies to watch. If lucky there may even be fireflies at night. I didn't get the chance to explore Ipoh cause I wasn't there for a vacation. But the nice part of the whole acting thing is that I got to meet lots of different people. Some were 1st timers like me, some were seasoned actors, soldiers as well as some part timers. They also look gorgeous! Imagine hunky Malay soldiers walking topless in the scenes and cute chinese Ipoh twinks all over the sets. hohoho... 

 That aside, I was actually quite frustrated with J. Not because he gave all his attention to pleasing his gf but because of the constant teasing. I was being made the teasing subject almost all the time and I don't like it. I admit I am a little short temper and I blame it on not just myself, but also the exhaustion, insect bites and lack of sleep. And when I am pissed off, it totally shows on my face. I never understood why I always try to help this bastard whenever he asks for help. It was when he showed his concern, I realized that he wasn't just any other friend that I have. He is more. I never wanted to admit it but he is my best friend along with pat, WH and a few others. 

They are the people that I can talk to about anything. They won't give me the weird stare or too much info thingy. The whole trip made me realized that I still have a life with my buddies. One of the funniest thing was when he said our friendship until was based on his persistence. True, he never gave up on it. When he told me he remembers how he consistently asked my name and I just ignored him, if he gave up then we would never have been friends till now. It made me chuckle. I teared. I didn't know he would recall. He apologized and asked why I was unhappy.

 When he said he didn't want to lose his best friend just because he wanted to make others laugh, I lost my words. Things he said that night was what I longed to hear. For me to confirm that I wasn't just a tool or nobody in his life. Damn it, I had the biggest cheek shower this year that night. I know a female best friend of a queer would be a fag hag but what about guys that are best friends of a gay dude? Dardar pointed out that it's abnormal to have ex to be best friends, is it?

An Unforgettable Night

I still remember the night I was at a friends house. It was at the dining table. 4 guys chatting away. Games. Siblings. Books. Topics that are of common interest. Things were going fine until one of them started talking about homosexuals. I was kinda speechless when they suddenly talk about it. They talked about how they hated gays. They even said that if they were ever to know if any of their friends are gay they would never befriend them any longer. I was still in the closet at that time. I wanted to just say out loud that I am gay. But I was scared. Afraid that I would end up alone. Sitting there hearing them trash talk of how gays play ass. Saying how they were disgusted. Saying how the gays always dress up with exp clothes because they are rich. Those were my friends. I was devastated by what they had said. That night, it propelled me to take a step out of the closet. I started reading more blogs. Talk to more people. Slowly opening to friends. I realized that if they couldn't accept me then it's too bad. Having that said, I have them to thank for because if it was not for them I might still be in the pitiful closet.

My First Kiss: JJ

Last night I got to know of Jino's first kiss. kekeke! Chatting with him I had a good laugh. Well, regarding my first kiss. It happened when I was 13 years old. Back when I was still in form 1. Some of my friends and I had a sharing session where we talked a lot about our favourites and dislikes. Then out of sudden one of my friends suggested that we play Truth or Dare. A guy by the name JJ chose not to answer and was dared to kiss me.

Girls: Kiss Bernard!!!
JJ: Kiss only ah? Easy lor. You all girls also can kiss girls, guys also can kiss guys lor.

I closed my eyes as he approached me. I almost hear my heartbeats. It was so fast and strong. I was nervous. He gave me a peck on my forehead.

JJ: There! Done! *smiling*
Girls: Yeeee! Not fair! Not on the lips! Not counted!
JJ: You didn't say on the lips ma.
Girls: Must be on the lips! kiss kiss kiss!
JJ: okay lor!

I said not a word. He came again. This time I did not close my eyes. In fact, my eyes widened. Our lips met and for the first time. I actually kissed someone that is neither my dad or mum. His lips, so soft. My head felt a sudden warmness. My neck too.

Girls: You are blushing!
Bear: Harrr!!! Errr...
Girls: Yeah! Your cheeks are red! Your ears and neck too!
Bear:...........
Girls: You shy ah? *cheekily smiling*
Bear: No lah!

The bells ringed. Signifying time for our recess. And the issue was never brought up again. Washed by the time. Remaining nothing but a sweet memory residing in me.

~Memories do not remain forever, time cleanses the mind of all~

Butterfly Encounter 3

I was surfing the net on this particular evening. Nearing the time for my next class, I took my bag from the pigeon hole and head out of the library. The skies were dark. Strong wind blew with rage. My messy hair turned messier. As I walked down the steps of the library I saw umbrellas flying. Squirrels scurrying for the nearest trees. The monsoon is here.

Upon reaching the bus stand, I sat patiently waiting for the bus. Seconds after, the rain poured like there was no tomorrow. The blowing wind getting stronger by the minute. The sheltered stand barely sheltered anyone.

From the nearby trees they emerge. Tiny little purple butterflies. All blown towards the bus stand where I was standing. I was mesmerized by the sight. They hanged on to whatever they could. I found a few attached to my Forest T. Some on my hands. Even some on my hair. They were holding on for their lives. I picked one of them and placed it in my palms.

About 15minutes later, the bus finally arrive. What took you so long!!! Covering my palms I rushed into the bus. Nope, not a single one of them made it. Must have been blown away by the strong winds...

~If you can't find anyone to hold on to, you can always hold on to me~

Butterfly Encounter 2

Joining a team comprised of 4 person. We were required to gather specimens of insects and flowers. Bug catching was fun! My weapon of choice, the almighty plastic bags. Through observation of their flying pattern, I noticed that once they sense threat, they would fly up higher and higher in a kinda zig-zag pattern swaying to the left and right.

My cheap weapon works perfectly fine on those taking a break on a flower. We just need to get close enough without startling them. Then place the bag directly above them and voila~ They instantly fly into the bag.

On preserving the specimens, the admiration I had for butterflies no longer exist. I had killed the bugs selfishly just so I could get my marks. Seeing them pinned down and lifeless, had no meaning to me. It's as if seeing a rose plant with the flowers all cut off. I am sorry dear butterflies.

~Forgive me for the massacre~

Butterfly Encounter 1

It was one evening that permitted me to go out to play. I was in my kiddy days back then. Having fun has been a norm to me when the evening sets in. I stood on the porch. Setting my eyes on the dancing butterflies. Everyday, a couple of them would visit the variety of flowers at my home. They seem to have a liking for the little purple flowers. Occasionally they would take a look on the red and yellow ones too.

They were so pretty. I have always wanted to have lots and lots of butterflies floating around me while some would rest on my hands. But that evening, there was one particular butterfly that was resting on a flower. I slowly draw my steps. It didn't notice me I guess. Slowly and carefully I i placed my hands nearer... Yes!!! I clipped the wings with my fingers. Then I placed in on my palm thinking that it will walk on my hands. Before I knew it, it flew away leaving tiny particles on my fingers.

~Play with me pretty please~

Footprints of B & J

I wander the dark forest
not knowing where to go
lost & lonely
but there you were
smiling at me
waving
you came near me
and asked of my name
I answered not
for you were a stranger
but you never gave up
patience you clearly stated
again and again
you tried so hard
yet...
I never spoke a word
you never asked of my ignorance
I walked off quietly
closely you followed
every step i took
moments later
a log I found
Berlinia was its name
I sat down
taking deep breaths
you stood beside me
asking if you could sit next to me
answer I did not
yet...
cheerfully
you sat beside me
Again you asked
What's your name?

And that's how the tale began. The story of a curious bear that came across an ignorant bear. J the curious bear & B the ignorant bear. The year 2001 was the mark of a new chapter in the books of bears, 'The Footprints of Brave Bear'...

~what's your name?~

Fragile

I was never a fan of Thai movies. I have never watched any movie with a gay love theme till recently. Bear loves happy endings. The sad endings just breaks my heart. I never thought it would leave such a great impact on me. I feel so weak now. Hoping someone would be there for me to pour it all out. Bear knows its just a movie. No need to be so emo. But somehow... the movie reminds me so much of 'him'. The way 'he' caresses me. Jokes with me. Held me in 'his' arms. The way 'he' took my hands and we would walk the streets. The piggyback ride where people would stare at us but we would just ignore. I missed it so much. Hurts so much to think of it.

Even the final scene of the movie. Reminds me of what I asked 'him'. Its as if at that moment I was Mew and 'he' was Tong. After we broke up, I tried to forget him. Hating him. I try my best to avoid him. Whenever he spoke to me I would scold him. So stupid of me. Immature. Childish. 'He' still cared for me. No matter how much I make him angry he wouldn't mind. Only after the movie I realized that 'he' still cared for me even when we couldn't be together. Even at lunch that day, he noticed that I was down. 'He' asked if I was okay. 'He' asked me to tell 'him' whats wrong. The more 'he' cared for me, the more painful it is for me. But I was happy at the same time. From now on lets refer 'him' as J.

~handle with care~

The Love of Siam

Call me outdated. But its always better to be late than never! This movie captivated my heart. A story about love, friendship and family. Mario Maurer as Tong and Witwisit Hiranyawongkul as Mew are neighbours at the start in this story.

Tong and Mew became best friends. Tong got a Christmas present for Mew which is a wooden doll that is comprised of a few components. Tong made it a treasure hunt for Mew to get his present. But the last piece of the doll(the nose) was hidden on a tree and it got lost cos the tree got chopped off. After the lost of Tong's sister, Tang, their family decided to move. The 2 had to be separated(cried the 1st time).
After years had passed, the 2 were reunited. Mew, talented in music finds inspiration to write love songs through Tong. As for Tong, he has a girlfriend named Donut(yeah... wad a weird name) but he don't really have any feelings for her.
1 night, Tong's mother saw Tong kissing with Mew in the backyard of their home. And also due to the incident where Tong went to overnight at Mew's place worried her more. She confronted Mew and asked him to let go Tong(damn... i cried again).
After that, Mew avoided Tong. He even doesn't want to sing anymore for his band cos he no longer has the 'feel' to sing. But on Christmas, Mew agreed to give it a try and sing at Siam Square. Tong meets Donut and officially broke up with her! He rushed to the square to see Mew's performance.
After the performance, Tong went to see Mew.

Tong: The music was great.
Mew: Do you have anything to say after listening to it?
Tong: Umm... I can't be with you as your boyfriend. But that doesn't mean that I don't love you.
Mew: Thank you. (Mew smiled)
(Oh, here it started flowing again) T.T

Tong passed the last piece of the doll to Mew as his Christmas present. At the end of the movie, Mew placed the last piece on the wooden doll and said thank you. He then cried quietly(i cried again).

Watching this movie made me think of 'him'. The past we had. The times we spent together. I could somehow relate to Mew's loneliness. Things just got worse when 'he' called me out for lunch. I just kept thinking about all the stuff. Gosh...

During dinner, I didn't have much appetite. My tears rolling... thinking of the movie. Flashbacks of the moments we were together. I don't want my mum to know of this love. Afraid that she couldn't accept it and would emotionally breakdown. My mum was there in the kitchen and she saw me. I couldn't control myself. The fear was so great that my tears kept rolling.

Mum: What happen? Did anyone bully you?
Bern: No... nothing...
Mum: Then why you crying? Just tell me.
Bern: Nothing... I... It just that... I don't think I like girls.
Mum: Don't think too much. You are still young.
Bern: No. I don't like girls not cos no girl like me. But its cos...
Mum: Boy, don't think too much. You are still young. Just concentrate on your study. Don't think about it.

Mum walk off to her room. I continued eating my dinner. I wonder if she understood that I wanted to tell her that I like guys. Such a crybaby I am. Cry so much...

~crybaby bern~

Denial

Denying who I really was... that was what I was doing a year ago up until 3 months ago. Thinking that I would be able to change. Thinking that I could bring myself to have that 'feel' towards a female homo sapien. How silly of me... How much of me that I have yet to discover? How much does my friends know about me? How much do we really know about each other? What are friends? really... more questions keeps popping up in my head. For even I don't understand about myself, don't you dare say that you understand me!

I was talking to Ben at the cafe in the evening. Ben was talking bout how he knows about Jo-n and that she will only be more furious to go play tennis alone that evening after everyone decided not to turn up. He also talked about why we MUST care, take notice and know our friends cos we wont get anywhere in life if we don't... MUST? Are you kidding me Ben? You don't even know me! And how much of life do you know about to talk about it with so much confident? Honestly, the ego of humans makes us think that we are intellectual and knowledgeable. Ben, if you are reading this... don't assume you know a lot! there is more to a person than you can ever imagine. People can change. It may take 1 year, half a year, 1 month, a week, a day, or even a minute to change!!! Don't underestimate anyone!!!

last week Bear went IK meeting in the GAZEBO. It was interesting cos they showed this video of the galaxy and stuff. I knew that the stars were beautiful as I really like to look at the skies at night. Never have I imagine about how they really look like nor have I searched or it in the Internet. But the video was to tell us that we are in fact really small. I feel so little not by comparing myself with the size of the sun nor the size of solar system or universe. For that moment, it struck me that why they need to compare with something so big to see ourselves as tiny??? Was it even necessary? I could be standing a kilometer away from you and you wouldn't even be able to recognize its me. Watching the video was interesting cos I saw many new things but I just don't get the idea of comparing so far away when the comparisons could be done on earth itself. It makes no sense to me why they keep stressing that the earth is a tiny pale blue dot! Geez... Does it matter if the earth is so damn small? wadever you wanna say lah~

~how SMALL are you?~

The StoryTeller

This is to those who wish to know about me.



May 23 1988, to the world Bear arrives. No memories of how my maternal grandparents look like. But I do get dreams of my grandma bringing me to the market telling every1 that I am his grandchild. As for my father side, I have grandpa which I adore so much. I would never forget the day I got a fever and my grandpa carried me in his arms to a clinic. My grandma passed away before I was born, but I do have a stepgrandma. She just luvs to cut my hair. Everytime I visit them, she would complain about how long my hair is. But I know about the past thing that she did. When I was still an infant, she would leave me to cry when my parents are out for work. How do I know? My mom told me that the neighbours complained about it. Knowing this I actually kinda hated her. But years have passed... Forgiveness! Besides, she aint really that bad... ppl can change.



My parents are FOREVER bz. Studying in a kebangsaan school I have frenz of multi races. yeah~ I cant speak Mandarin, so what!!! I didnt choose to be in a kebangsaan school! My dad just didnt like the idea of me going to a chinese school cos he doesnt know MANDARIN!!! But I did picked up Cantonese while I was staying with the babysitter. My besties in primary school, Cheryl, Mei Jun, Adrina (yeah... they are all girls). We played all kinds of stuff. Wai Leng living near my house we would always play badminton tgt. After school I would play tag and hide & seek with Chee Loong, Chee Tat and Wai Leng. Sitting between Ivan & Serene is just fun-filled because they just love to quarrel!!! So much drama everyday! And I would never forget Kerryn, she is the 1st friend that I ever quarreled with. Being with my frens are the best times I had.



My dad, K.S Voon would never give me money to go for school trips. No Angpows. No birthday presents. No Mcdonalds. No nothing!!! He is a lazy slacker that goes to work late in the afternoon. My parents work together selling tiles and toilet accessories. My mom would go to work early in the morning while my dad sleeps. My dad would come home late at night drunk. What a pathetic dad to have. He would only buy things he likes. Never anything that we want. Clothes, food, toys, everything given by my mom. She works and comes home to cook. She is a machine! I love her so much!

My dad speaks no reason for he thinks that he is forever right. There was once the door was left open cos my sis 4got to close it. I was sleeping. He came back and saw the door was opened and without questioning he decided it was my mistake and called for me. I told him that it wasnt me that left the door opened and next next second he slapped me on the face. He would pinch me on the cheek or thigh when I accidentally scratched his car. I really hated him. I wished he was dead so many times...



Things turn bad when I was in standard 5. My dad cheating on my mom. The Bitch even came and broke our house window. My mom forgived dad cos she wants us to have a complete family. Standard 6, my grandpa finally rest in eternal slumber. The killer = lung cancer. I have never felt so much pain. The grandpa that I would visit everytime during CNY and christmas. I would keep quiet each time ppl talked about their families. I have no idea what to say. I even hated my sis back then when we were small. She is an introvert that doesnt like to share and we would fight for every single thing. I hated my family so much I wished that I only have grandpa and mom with me. Bonnie, my youngest sis born this year too.

Form 1. Ended up in the second class. Joined Taekwondo. Met this irritating guy that keeps talking to me. I just ignored him but he never gives up. My parents finally break up when my dad cheated on my mom again. My parents business gone into bankruptcy. My sisters, mom and I moved over to my uncle's house in Desa Jaya. Its a very dirty house. I even slept with rats and cockroaches. My mom went from a lady boss to a factory worker. Everyday she looked so weak and sad. I started to really do chores. Although I started doing chores at 9 y/o, it used to be just wash shoes and fold the clothes. But now I have to cook and wash clothes too. Lucky I picked up cooking when I was 9. I decided to remain in SMKB cos I dont wanna lose my frens. But without realising it, I lost most of my frens when I kept studying trying to fight back a spot for 1st class. I became an introvert. Keeping all things to myself.

Form 2, I made it into 1st class. The irritating guy from taekwondo came and sit with me in class. He just wouldnt give up. I ignored him but he would grab my ass each time during recess. I finally gave up and started talking to him. We became best frens in no time.

Form 3, we studied together after school and practiced taekwondo together and I was really happy whenever I was with him. He taught me all kinds of stuff. From studies to games. My very 1st experience with a guy was also him. Yeah, I guess I discovered that I liked guys cos of him. But it all started as just havin fun but I guess I really fell for him. 1 day I asked my uncle's wife to borrow RM50 to pay for taekwondo fee. Guess what??? She went and told my other aunts that I stole her money when I was out for practice. And when I got back home, my mom questioned me in a very bad mood about it. Few months later that BITCH made tons of calls and the telephone bills soared. She accused me for making them and my mom cut off the service. DAMN her!!! She wanted to have us gone.
7As for my PMR, but my mom just wouldnt want to say that I did good. MOM, CAN'T U JUST SAY THOSE WORDS? All i ever wanted was to hear those words. I just want motivation. All this while anything other from A is a fail to you. even when I finally got all As you just wouldnt say them... It hurts me alot you know? each time you complain to the teachers and my frens that I am naughty and I dont study. CANT YOU JUST UTTER THOSE WORDS???

Form 4, we broke off as I wasnt mature enuff to maintain the relationship. I lost all motivation to study. Results dropping real bad. And I lost almost all my close frens as we are seperated into diff classes. I tried really hard to make new frens. Everyday I would talk to every1 but no1 seems to accept me into their gang. I felt so lonely. I even thought of suicide...

Form 5, I gave up trying to make frens. Hoong and Meng would come over to my class during recess and it cheers me up knowing that they remembered me. With my results dropping, my mom start to nag everyday. But somehow managed to pull off 8 As and 2 Bs.

Going to F6, my results in form 6 is just the worst of the worst. Hardly passed any subjects. As usual, all the nagging from my mom. I became immune it. No longer have any interest in studying but going F6 cos I didnt know what to do. Started all sorts of on9 and computer games cos I can finally on9 at home. We shifted back to Sri Sinar as its easier to go school and also due to the fact that my BITCHY aunt wants us to leave. Made some new frens, Dexter and Lun. They were my closest friends.

And now... ended up in UPM. My roommate Meng, THX =) joined IKUPM and met Peter and Boon. We would go swimming, basketball, badminton, orchard and durian together. THX both of you. My maple account got hacked, I lost any motivation to play on9 games & stopped playing dotA. From accepting Christ I thought I have finally found the answer to all my pain and suffering. I prayed to GOD for friends, love and attention. Few months ago I had a crush on a guy. I confessed to him and even tried to ask him out. I started coming out as myself. Yeah, I AM GAY! But a few days ago, I realized that GOD, friends, love & my wishes isnt what I was seeking. For years I hated my life cos I dont have a complete family. I hated my dad. I get angry at every mistake that ppl make. I get angry when ppl do things slowly. I even hated MYSELF! I thought by having a strong mind I will be able live a life without pain, sorrow, disappointment...

I finally realized that all this while I am not satisfy with what I have is due to my LUST & DESIRES. I wanted love, care, attention, friends just like everyone. Having hope, desires and expectations left me with despair, sorrow, disappointment... I decided to rid myself of all expectations and desires for the materials, love and sorts... For I realised that nothing is forever. Everything that has a beginning has an end. Thank you to all of you who cares about me. But love hurts me alot. I can no longer share love with you guys. I am an empty person now. As good as dead.



~Goodbye lust, desire, expectations~

Hungry Ghost Festival

Woo~ Woo~
7th month of the lunar calender. The gates of hell opens. They roam the lands in search for food. Be back early! or misfortune may fall upon you...
Who believes in ghosts??? i don't!!! *bleks*
You may all say that they exist and bla bla blah... whatever man!

Why u may ask... Its simple, Bear have never seen any ghost ya... not even 1, so STFU about telling me ghost stories. Since bear was young(still am), I remember mom telling me to sleep early during the 7th month of the lunar calender. I always ask her why but she just wouldn't want to answer. Then I found out from my frens in school. They just luv to talk ^^ news and info just spreads really fast in school. Countless times i asked me mom about ghost... "Mee... Does ghost exist?" or "Mee... are there any ghosts in this world?" and I would only receive the same answer "Boy... there is no such thing as ghosts". Then I say Oh~ but there is always this little fear in me that they do exist. Lurking around the corner or bathroom of my house during the festival... and this is all thanks to those horror movies!

But despite what my mom told me. She would go to the roadside and burn 'money' and offerings. Mom... I am speechless... maybe you said what you said so that I would not be afraid of them and I love you for doing that. All this while I still dare to go toilet during midnight is thanks to what you said. Bear would go in and mutter "ghost don't exist ghost don't exist" hahaha... anyway, the reason why chinese burn these offerings are so that they get good luck or to prevent misfortune as in not to anger the spirits. ceh~ wadever~


^^See No Evil^^