J: The Romantic Bastard

 I have been missing for a few days. Reason is that I had trip to Ipoh for the very first time. All thanks to request from J. We were there to act as extras for a local tv series, Rantau Harimau. The setting was taken in a waterfall area in Tapah. The place is pretty cool, flowing river, hot spring and lots of butterflies to watch. If lucky there may even be fireflies at night. I didn't get the chance to explore Ipoh cause I wasn't there for a vacation. But the nice part of the whole acting thing is that I got to meet lots of different people. Some were 1st timers like me, some were seasoned actors, soldiers as well as some part timers. They also look gorgeous! Imagine hunky Malay soldiers walking topless in the scenes and cute chinese Ipoh twinks all over the sets. hohoho... 

 That aside, I was actually quite frustrated with J. Not because he gave all his attention to pleasing his gf but because of the constant teasing. I was being made the teasing subject almost all the time and I don't like it. I admit I am a little short temper and I blame it on not just myself, but also the exhaustion, insect bites and lack of sleep. And when I am pissed off, it totally shows on my face. I never understood why I always try to help this bastard whenever he asks for help. It was when he showed his concern, I realized that he wasn't just any other friend that I have. He is more. I never wanted to admit it but he is my best friend along with pat, WH and a few others. 

They are the people that I can talk to about anything. They won't give me the weird stare or too much info thingy. The whole trip made me realized that I still have a life with my buddies. One of the funniest thing was when he said our friendship until was based on his persistence. True, he never gave up on it. When he told me he remembers how he consistently asked my name and I just ignored him, if he gave up then we would never have been friends till now. It made me chuckle. I teared. I didn't know he would recall. He apologized and asked why I was unhappy.

 When he said he didn't want to lose his best friend just because he wanted to make others laugh, I lost my words. Things he said that night was what I longed to hear. For me to confirm that I wasn't just a tool or nobody in his life. Damn it, I had the biggest cheek shower this year that night. I know a female best friend of a queer would be a fag hag but what about guys that are best friends of a gay dude? Dardar pointed out that it's abnormal to have ex to be best friends, is it?

Signs of ageing

Yesterday night as I was in the bus returning to my hostel, I felt a sudden pain in the upper left region of my chest. It was as if someone punched me on the chest really hard. The pain started there and spread to my shoulder and later to my left arm. The sensation lasted for nearly 10seconds. I wasn't shocked at all. I guess the lack of exercise is getting to me. Or could there be any other reason. Haiz... Hopefully it's not a big deal. Better not tell my mum. She will get all worried. haha...

Maybe I should start back my jogging sessions. Laziness has overwhelmed me for a very long time. (Bernard, move your ass if you don't want to die young!) Argh... Not to mention reports and assignments pilling up. Tests are never ending. Presentation on a topic that I am not interested in. And all of a sudden I have lunch with J, tapau dinner for him and now helping him find assignment materials. What am I getting myself into??? Are we really just friends? Out of the blue he would ask me out for lunch. Then inquire my help to search stuff. Or renew his books from the library. It is really hard for me not to think about the possibilities of where this is all heading.

~puzzled~

A Ride Back Home

Yesterday night, I received an sms from Meng askin me to return to uni on my own. The problem is, I noticed the message at 8.00! Immediately I called J and asked if he could give me a ride back to uni. He sounded rather reluctant to give me a lift back(maybe cos of the way I have been acting lately). But after I explained the situation, he agreed to do so.

It was 8.30 and I was expecting his car to pull up in front of my house, but it turns out that his dad was driving and his mum was in the car too. When I was in the car, it felt awkward because it has been a long time since I last met his parents. I sat between him and his cousin sister. Am really glad that they kept talking the entire journey back to UPM.

It has been quite some time since he sat with me in the backseat. Sitting closely. Our arms and thigh touching. A warm feeling of being safe. Somehow, I missed that feeling(yeah, call me idiot or stupid). I was actually happy at that moment(Ish... ish... Bernard, always happy of small little things). *Stop dreaming Bernard! You 2 are long time over!*

As we were approaching Serdang, J suddenly poked me a couple of times. Slowly I turned to him, leaning slightly closer and I asked "ya?". "Your pants are unzipped", he replied. My eyes wide. Blushing. Oppssss... how clumsy of me ~.~

But it's kinda odd that he would notice. What I mean is, why would he look down at there? Not to mention that it was really dark. Seriously, even when I see any lengzai around me also I won't even take a peek at their wee wee area. Perhaps I am not Hamsap enough =.="

~Bernard, you gotta wake up!~

Footprints of B & J

I wander the dark forest
not knowing where to go
lost & lonely
but there you were
smiling at me
waving
you came near me
and asked of my name
I answered not
for you were a stranger
but you never gave up
patience you clearly stated
again and again
you tried so hard
yet...
I never spoke a word
you never asked of my ignorance
I walked off quietly
closely you followed
every step i took
moments later
a log I found
Berlinia was its name
I sat down
taking deep breaths
you stood beside me
asking if you could sit next to me
answer I did not
yet...
cheerfully
you sat beside me
Again you asked
What's your name?

And that's how the tale began. The story of a curious bear that came across an ignorant bear. J the curious bear & B the ignorant bear. The year 2001 was the mark of a new chapter in the books of bears, 'The Footprints of Brave Bear'...

~what's your name?~