Let Him Go

Thursday, September 19, 2019

Yesterday I posted this on my Facebook...

"Yesterday night, I had a dream about someone I feel deeply connected with. A dream of wandering from villages to country sides searching for that person but remain elusive and not found. The dream made me feel unpleasant and sad. I woke up briefly in the middle of the night. It wasn't a good night sleep.
I believe that sometimes when you have bonded with someone for so long, the connection goes beyond the physical world. And a dream is a vague way of telling what's happening last night in the real world to that person and my own feelings. Such dream wasn't the first time. And I believe in it because it got me right the last few times. 
Maybe it's gut feeling. Maybe it's instinct. Maybe it's just over thinking. But whatever it is, real or mystic, I should be focusing what I can do."

 And his sister replied the posting with this...

"I personally think letting go is not easy but sometimes crucial. Don't be holding on to someone who wants to let go."

 And today I posted this on my Facebook...

"Letting go a person doesn't mean shutting off the person to heal from the hurt. It's more meaningful to let go that person by loving that person more, encouraging more, be more supportive, be more expressive with that person, be feeling more fulfilled with that person.  
Through all these, I am encouraged to get in touch with my own feelings. And not allowing the hurtful past to prevent me to be loving in the present. And to also allow myself to open up the possibility of a loving relationships in the future.  
Don't keep the regret, the hurt, the tears and the guilt of the past. It will not make my present more enjoyable."

 Am I truly letting him go? Or am I using the love philosophy as a disguise of not letting him go? 

Though it is not easy but I'm letting him go.

On this Date this Month

Saturday, September 7, 2019

A month exactly has passed and things are getting better compared to the first 2 weeks. It was not easy but it is part of life experience. The emotional turbulence has subsided. Life is back to routine again. Our chats are back to more regular topics.

As I was having very limited local Malay or Indonesian songs to my knowledge, such as Siti Nurhaliza, Misha Omar, Nora, Ning Baizura etc, I was browsing for more options in Youtube. My friend recommended me a local singer Anuar Zain and an Indonesian friend recommended me to Andmesh, Mike Mohede and Judika.

The lyrics in this song by Judika was outstanding to me, for obvious reasons.

Part of the lyrics...

Jikalau kau sayang 
Benar-benar sayang
Tak hanya kata atau rasa
Kau harus tunjukkan

Jangan sampai
Hingga waktu perpisahan tiba
Dan semua yang tersisa 
hanyalah air mata
Hanya air mata

Emotional Much?

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Today I discovered myself having "Fearful Avoidant Attachment" based on the Attachment Theory in Psychology, which is one of the factors that lead to the downfall of the lover relationship with Bear.

"They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. They can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms."

"They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner."

And earlier today this morning, I was receiving messages in Facebook, asking me if I'm doing okay. It was because my recent Facebook was emotional. I posted my reply below as a Facebook entry, told Bear about it and he was in agreement that it is the right thing to do.

"I have gotten some feedback that my FB posts are emotional. I have learned now that it's important to know how to express thoughts and feelings. If one is able to freely do it online, next time it would also easier to do it with the lover, best friend and whoever, that they are important, being loved, being in our hearts.
Express the emotions, open up the heart. Communication is not only about thoughts and ideas, it's also about feelings - positive and negative. Don't bottle them up, let them be known.
Some people might find positivity in all these. Some people might have the same struggle in life but after reading these, he now knows he's not alone in all these.
Importantly, be true to yourself about your own emotions and share them too."