Not So Happy Winter Solstice Day

Sunday, December 22, 2019

For the past few days, I had the sore throat and at times swallowing was painful. It also didn't help that every morning, I get nose block and running nose. On Sat morning, I thought I was doing fine and I drove to a shopping mall to catch pokemon with Bear. Driving to the shopping mall was a little bit worrying. I was feeling drowsy, maybe from the over counter medicine I had. On a few occasions on the highway, I nearly hit a car. I was not alert.

After lunch with Bear, I decided to leave for home. The crowd and noise at the shopping mall didn't do me any good. I had a good nap in the evening and woke up feeling better. But at night, I was already having a throbbing pain at the back of my head. I rolled on the bed for a long time before I decided to take a pain killer. It was already 1.30am.

I woke up today Sunday morning nearly at 1030 in the morning. I brushed my teeth and had a couple of coughs. I cough till I gagged continuously a few times but vomited nothing. I took a deep breath after that.

I visited the doctor and got a bundle of medicine. I was looking at him in the eyes as he was explaining what was wrong with me. My mind was in a blur, I only caught a few words here and there. Throat infection and affected the sinus that caused the back of my head with intense pain, etc etc.

I took the medicine, anti viral, cough, flu and all sorts. I was in a dreamy state again. I guess those medicine is to make you lie down to rest.

Today there is a gathering with Bear and friends at an airBNB place at KL downtown. It was all planned out like months ago. I messaged Bear that I could not make it. It was a difficult decision for me to make.

I took a nap again in the afternoon. I woke up lying on bed staring at the bedroom ceiling being teary, feeling bad, sad and lonely. I text'ed Bear about how I felt. I just wanted to express it out rather than keep the feelings to myself. I am just being emotional that's there a party out there I could not attend.

I am feeling very bad for myself.

Love Knows No Boundary

Sunday, December 1, 2019

I still believe there is love. 
It is just a different kind of love.

Let Him Go

Thursday, September 19, 2019

Yesterday I posted this on my Facebook...

"Yesterday night, I had a dream about someone I feel deeply connected with. A dream of wandering from villages to country sides searching for that person but remain elusive and not found. The dream made me feel unpleasant and sad. I woke up briefly in the middle of the night. It wasn't a good night sleep.
I believe that sometimes when you have bonded with someone for so long, the connection goes beyond the physical world. And a dream is a vague way of telling what's happening last night in the real world to that person and my own feelings. Such dream wasn't the first time. And I believe in it because it got me right the last few times. 
Maybe it's gut feeling. Maybe it's instinct. Maybe it's just over thinking. But whatever it is, real or mystic, I should be focusing what I can do."

 And his sister replied the posting with this...

"I personally think letting go is not easy but sometimes crucial. Don't be holding on to someone who wants to let go."

 And today I posted this on my Facebook...

"Letting go a person doesn't mean shutting off the person to heal from the hurt. It's more meaningful to let go that person by loving that person more, encouraging more, be more supportive, be more expressive with that person, be feeling more fulfilled with that person.  
Through all these, I am encouraged to get in touch with my own feelings. And not allowing the hurtful past to prevent me to be loving in the present. And to also allow myself to open up the possibility of a loving relationships in the future.  
Don't keep the regret, the hurt, the tears and the guilt of the past. It will not make my present more enjoyable."

 Am I truly letting him go? Or am I using the love philosophy as a disguise of not letting him go? 

Though it is not easy but I'm letting him go.