J: The Romantic Bastard

 I have been missing for a few days. Reason is that I had trip to Ipoh for the very first time. All thanks to request from J. We were there to act as extras for a local tv series, Rantau Harimau. The setting was taken in a waterfall area in Tapah. The place is pretty cool, flowing river, hot spring and lots of butterflies to watch. If lucky there may even be fireflies at night. I didn't get the chance to explore Ipoh cause I wasn't there for a vacation. But the nice part of the whole acting thing is that I got to meet lots of different people. Some were 1st timers like me, some were seasoned actors, soldiers as well as some part timers. They also look gorgeous! Imagine hunky Malay soldiers walking topless in the scenes and cute chinese Ipoh twinks all over the sets. hohoho... 

 That aside, I was actually quite frustrated with J. Not because he gave all his attention to pleasing his gf but because of the constant teasing. I was being made the teasing subject almost all the time and I don't like it. I admit I am a little short temper and I blame it on not just myself, but also the exhaustion, insect bites and lack of sleep. And when I am pissed off, it totally shows on my face. I never understood why I always try to help this bastard whenever he asks for help. It was when he showed his concern, I realized that he wasn't just any other friend that I have. He is more. I never wanted to admit it but he is my best friend along with pat, WH and a few others. 

They are the people that I can talk to about anything. They won't give me the weird stare or too much info thingy. The whole trip made me realized that I still have a life with my buddies. One of the funniest thing was when he said our friendship until was based on his persistence. True, he never gave up on it. When he told me he remembers how he consistently asked my name and I just ignored him, if he gave up then we would never have been friends till now. It made me chuckle. I teared. I didn't know he would recall. He apologized and asked why I was unhappy.

 When he said he didn't want to lose his best friend just because he wanted to make others laugh, I lost my words. Things he said that night was what I longed to hear. For me to confirm that I wasn't just a tool or nobody in his life. Damn it, I had the biggest cheek shower this year that night. I know a female best friend of a queer would be a fag hag but what about guys that are best friends of a gay dude? Dardar pointed out that it's abnormal to have ex to be best friends, is it?

Why Do We Come Out?

The thing with coming out whether to friends or family, is to me a very important stage in a gay men life. I am quite sure many of us always think about having a life where we need not hide. Some say that our sexuality should be kept only to ourselves. Why do we want to tell others about it? There are always reasons to it. First, lets talk about coming out to friends. For me, I came out to my friends because I wanted people to know who I really was. There is this loneliness that lurks within me because I felt that I was different. Not being able to tell others made it worse. I feared that if I were to let anyone know I would get beaten up. The society would make me an outcast. I was also afraid that if the secrets burst out, my friends would leave me. Then again, I was already lonely in the beginning. Just imagine, have you guys been in a situation where your friends tell you that they know you better than yourself, they didn't know you were gay and they trash talk about gay stuff like they understand us? There is always a trigger that prompts us to do what we do. With all the worries I have, why do I still want to out myself? Simple, I just wanted to feel good about who I really am. Think about it, many people always try to do things to make themselves more special. They want to be someone different from others. For people like us, we are already different. We are already special but many of us just wished that we would be same like the others so that we can fit in the society like how others wants us to be. Note this, as human, we want things that we do not have. 

Then comes family, these are the people that we care most. Personally, I find coming out to family is a lot harder. Some might beg to differ? I am quite sure some of you have heard of stories like how a guy came out to his parents and his parents called the police, brought him to a psychiatrist, cut his allowances and so on. Why do I still come out? For me, my family are the ones that I am closest to, the ones that will be with me in times of need. We give support to one another. Home is where I feel most comfortable. A safe haven where I can be who I am in my most craziest form without putting on my mask of fake-ness. Some say that mothers know about their son. True for me, sometimes she just couldn't accept it because of any factor such as upbringing, education, traditional mindset and so on but one thing is for sure, she still loves me and care for me. Same goes with my sis, we may argue, quarrel, hit each other, but when it comes to family, we still care for one another. My sister always knew I am different. We would watch television together and comment on the cute guys. LOL! It is just so much fun to be plu having sisters that understands us. hehehe...

CNY: Generous Mum

My mum is a lady that likes to stick to traditions and customs. Despite being advised by my nenek angkat and me, she insists on practising all the so-called pantangs like on the first day of CNY cannot sweep, wash hair and etc. As for me, I just follow what she says so that there won't be any troubles. Personally I don't like following such nonsense but I don't mind since it's just once a year anyway. Every year mum and I will head for Jusco to buy drinks and food for guests. I don't like carbonated drinks so you won't find any Sarsi, Pepsi, 7up or rootbeer in my house. And I don't like to buy the same drinks over and over again unless the drinks are really good and under promotion. All drinks are handpick by me and this year I have chosen apple juice and grape juice from Great Bucks, white grape flavour Justea and Delite mango juice.

As always my mum will get all the food stuff like almonds, pistachios, dried peach and sweets. We will order homemade cookies from a nearby market in Kepong. I like trying the new cookies so the traditional ones are hardly found in my home. Since I love chocolate alot most of the cookies that I order are chocolate based. 1 fact about me, I HATE pineapple tarts and bee hive with sesame seed. Mum do not know what I hate so I have to make the orders or else no one will be eating the leftover cookies after all the visitations.

Since this year my 'frenz' decided not to visit my house there is plenty of food and drink left. How awesome! More food for the bear. I have to be honest here, I have a really picky tongue when it comes to eating. Eventhough I am quite a DBKL but I will criticize the food while eating them. I did went on several house visitations and the food & beverages that they serve was utter disappointment. Very traditional cookies and they are all the SAME! No taste at all. So sorry if you are reading this but in my humble opinion, a new year should have some new stuff around. If it's all the same old stuff how new is the new year? Think about it!!!

Let's change the spotlight to my mum now. She loves people visiting our house. She loves giving out angpao(red packets). She thinks that whenever guests take a visit to our house we should serve them with good food and beverages. Make sure they are satisfied. Turn on the air-conditioner just for them as we hardly ever use it unless there are guests. And despite my mum is a single mum taking care of a family of 4, she guarantees an above average amount in the red packets. Every year my 'frenz' will receive a 5. Close friends will receive a 10. Same goes to those that I always mention to my mum about how they have helped me and treat me. YES!!! My mum knows who are my friends and who are my 'frenz'. She knows who treats me well. since this year the 'frenz' ain't visiting, some of my friends received a 20! YES, it's a 20! Believe it. I have never recieved a 20 from anyones mum.

~The mother bear rewards true friends with lots of honey~

Footprints of B & B

It was Autumn

where maple leaves shower

covering the very surface of her

the one we call mother

I walked and walked

in search of company

or maybe

just nuts, berries or honey

as i sniffed around

i spot a scent so familiar

with every step i draw closer

it grew stronger

without realizing

we were just inches apart

I looked at that odd looking figure

while its eyes stared right at mine

we checked out each other

somehow we are similar

yes...

it was another bear

his name too has B as a starter

we walked together down a narrow stream

I enjoyed the fun & laughter

how i wished we could keep walking together

to share our thoughts with one another

looking forward to the coming days

hoping our paths will cross again

but until then

take care my dear friend...

~i would like to be your friend~