Unsettling

I always imagined myself as a piece in a picture. A picture that I could never find myself fit in. I then stumbled upon a beautiful picture fragment That fragment brought me into a new picture, one which was half filled. Together, we painted the rest of the picture with our memories. Sure the picture isn't perfect, but it is the most wonderful picture I have ever seen.

It is tough to be apart for so long. I must admit. Everyday I am plagued by the misery of having to enjoy the beautiful scenery by myself. All I could do was to imagine my love being by my side. I know that he would enjoy the scenery more than I would. Sure that work here is almost stress free. But it certainly comes with a price, the price of having more time vacant for my mind. Time and again I reevaluated our relationship. Does our relationship resemble to father and son? brothers? or best friend? 

I searched deep within my heart. I asked if I love him. And yes I do. How else can I miss him so. But is it really okay not to be sexually attracted to him? We both know that we enjoy each others presence. We enjoy each others company. Is that feeling all that really matters? Unsettled. I stared into the woods, the beautiful trees and blanket of mist, wishing that I would never revisit these thoughts again.

Natural Behaviour

Everytime when we argue, I need time. Time regain composure. Time to think of what had actually happen. As well as time to figure out the cause and reasons. I mentioned in my previous post that I like singing, sometimes over the top style with some dance. I also like to act silly or act cute and sometimes I would also imitate celebrities and game or anime characters. I notice that I don't always do it. I only do it in front of people that I like or people that are close to me. Mostly in front of pat and dardar. It became so natural to me that there are times I forgot that my intention was to entertain them, to make them laugh or smile.

Of course I enjoy doing it because it makes me happy. But at the same time, I hope that the people that I do it for also be happy with me. When they don't, it upsets me. Really, not all the time but occasionally. Dardar mentioned that sometimes he is afraid that I overwork myself. But as I said, it became so natural to me doing silly stuff that I forgot why I did it in the 1st place. But when dardar said that he loves seeing me being energetic and lively because it makes him happy too.

It was also the first time seeing him in tears. Like really in tears for awhile with the sobbing. hehe... so nice. Sometimes I wish he would be more in touch with that part of him. To cry out when he is feeling sad or unhappy. To smile and laugh out loud when in joy. He is so cancerian, always putting up that thick shell to mask his weakness and emotions.

The Generation Gap

While having lunch with Pat, he asked me what is it like to be with someone who is alot older. Piko-chan is indeed a decade plus older than me, but I don't find us very much different. Or perhaps I don't really think about our differences. Our similar interest is what binds us. We both enjoy playing online games together. We enjoy cruising together. I like whites. He likes jap and chinese. But throughout our time together, I have developed some interest in the others too. I still dun like jap porn though. SUX big time! 

We both like to eat. I like to critic what I eat but piko-chan never talks much about the taste. He wallops almost anything. I LOVE mangoes. My eyes blings whenever I see mango. While piko-chan loves bananas. Heck! I bet most of my readers love 'bananas' too. HaHaHa...

He likes sleeping longer hours on weekends coz he don't need to work while I prefer waking up early to engage in games that stimulate the mind. He likes reading. I read 3 books from his shelves and I think it was one of the most extraodinary thing anyone can see me doing. Reading books is BORING!

Piko-chan is a person that search for info (wikipedia, etc.) about a movie before we watch it. I just watch anything that I feel is good enough from the poster or trailer. Piko-chan doesn't want to watch horror movies coz he is scaredy-cat. I watch horrors eventhough I am more afraid than him.

In the end, gap or not doesn't really matter. What matters to me is staying happy together. I do my part to paint a smile on him coz seeing him smile makes me smile.

Singing Heart

Totally inspired by tuls, the walking Ipod. I have always like to sing. Just that I didn't realize it til someone blogged about it. It all began humming when I was in primary school. Then started singing and memorizing lyrics thanks to Westlife (Shane is awesome cute!). I only sing to myself back then. Scared will kena critic. Then as I go secondary, life become music-less. Too caught up with all activities that I didn't give a shit about singing anymore. However, the melodies came back to me when Guang Liang was out with his song Tong Hua. This time, I sang to me sisters. They would also sing along and we would criticize each other. As time goes by, I began singing to dardar. We would sing together in the car, bathroom, elevator, staircase. But dardar will try to shut me up when I sing on the streets. He dun like too much attention >.<".

Beyonce, Mariah, Westlife, Guang Liang, Avril, Maroon 5 just to name a few of my fav. I like the older songs though. Somehow I am not really up-to-date with the songs. Just sing those that like.

Premonition

I get some weird dreams sometimes. Those short flashes of certain scene that doesn't really make any sense. Puzzled, confused, I would normally forget about them. But those instances would resurface at moments I least expect. There will be a sense of familiarity. As if I was re-living the moment. Twice this morning. I think my powers are getting stronger.

Can you see the future? LOL!

 Phoebe from Charmed

My Favourite Dog

I like golden retriever but they get a little too big. I am totally terrified of big dogs T__T

The best is still mini schnauzer. They are extremely adorable. They are so moustachie that they look grandpa-ish. They look so fun to play with. But I can almost never get one. My attention span towards pets wouldn't even last 2 weeks. LOL

New Year's Resolution

What is with this new year's resolution? I didn't even know that such thing existed until somewhere last year. It was through blogging that I discovered people actually have new year's resolution (NYR). And so, what is my very first NYR? Let's see... I have thought hard about ( for about 2 minutes)... My NYR would be to have none at all. I don't really have a specific target that I wanna achieve. All this while, I just wanna be an extraordinary person living a simple and happy life. Weird? Deal with it.

Let's see here, piko-chan said last year his NYR was to achieve six-pack abs that I could scrub my laundry with. But in the end, he ended up working out less than his usual routine =.="

Other bloggers that I am lazy to name don't feel like naming have a long list of NYR. I totally blame my lack of 'desire to plan' on the chapter of disadvantages of planning that I read last year for my finals. I am not joking, that small tiny chapter exist in the notes and was one of the questions that was asked in the finals. Conclusion is I don't have NYR ^__^

The Cycle Begins Again

Am I a celebrity or what? People come up to me and ask me about my results and before I could answer them, they assumed that I got 4.0 again. It's like history is repeating itself. However, some things have changed. First week of the sem and I have no reports or what-so-ever to do. Cool huh! (YES, it is cool coz I always have assignments and reports on the first week of lecture). In fact, many of my lecturers aren't even in uni now. The best thing is, they are my fav lecturers! No sweat this sem. YAY! 

Then, I bumped into one of my sarawakian friend. He is getting cuter btw. urm urm... I get so excited everytime I bump into him. *giggles*.

The library took a change too, I can no longer play any facebook applications. It is definitely a good thing. The library is so empty now, I can use the comps here whole day. The weather on the other hand has been kind. It's cloudy today and it makes me feel lazy. So lazy I could just doze off. The only thing that keeps me awake would probably be the cute guys that are occasionally appearing out of no where.

Last but not least, chinese new year is around the corner. Spring cleaning and shopping season is here again. ugh... The yearly chore is back. I don't feel lke going home. So troublesome...

Why Do We Come Out?

The thing with coming out whether to friends or family, is to me a very important stage in a gay men life. I am quite sure many of us always think about having a life where we need not hide. Some say that our sexuality should be kept only to ourselves. Why do we want to tell others about it? There are always reasons to it. First, lets talk about coming out to friends. For me, I came out to my friends because I wanted people to know who I really was. There is this loneliness that lurks within me because I felt that I was different. Not being able to tell others made it worse. I feared that if I were to let anyone know I would get beaten up. The society would make me an outcast. I was also afraid that if the secrets burst out, my friends would leave me. Then again, I was already lonely in the beginning. Just imagine, have you guys been in a situation where your friends tell you that they know you better than yourself, they didn't know you were gay and they trash talk about gay stuff like they understand us? There is always a trigger that prompts us to do what we do. With all the worries I have, why do I still want to out myself? Simple, I just wanted to feel good about who I really am. Think about it, many people always try to do things to make themselves more special. They want to be someone different from others. For people like us, we are already different. We are already special but many of us just wished that we would be same like the others so that we can fit in the society like how others wants us to be. Note this, as human, we want things that we do not have. 

Then comes family, these are the people that we care most. Personally, I find coming out to family is a lot harder. Some might beg to differ? I am quite sure some of you have heard of stories like how a guy came out to his parents and his parents called the police, brought him to a psychiatrist, cut his allowances and so on. Why do I still come out? For me, my family are the ones that I am closest to, the ones that will be with me in times of need. We give support to one another. Home is where I feel most comfortable. A safe haven where I can be who I am in my most craziest form without putting on my mask of fake-ness. Some say that mothers know about their son. True for me, sometimes she just couldn't accept it because of any factor such as upbringing, education, traditional mindset and so on but one thing is for sure, she still loves me and care for me. Same goes with my sis, we may argue, quarrel, hit each other, but when it comes to family, we still care for one another. My sister always knew I am different. We would watch television together and comment on the cute guys. LOL! It is just so much fun to be plu having sisters that understands us. hehehe...

A to Z of Bear

Tagged from Ichimaru~

INSTRUCTIONS: Fill out these questions and make a new note called "ABC About You." Then tag 25 people. If you got tagged by me, you have to take this survey and re-post it! Don’t forget to tag me because I want to know more about you!
A - AVAILABLE: No
B - BIRTHDAY: 23rd of May
C- CRUSHING ON: Alex and a vet student in UPM
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: H2O
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Dardar
F - FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT: Save You - Simple Plan
H - HOMETOWN: KL
I - IN LOVE WITH: Myself & Salmon
J - JUGGLE: Exams, assignment & reports
K - KILLED SOMEONE: NO
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: KL to Penang
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Mango
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 2
O - ONE WISH: Filthy RICH
P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: dardar
R- REASON TO SMILE: Anytime anywhere
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: I Do Not Hook Up - Kelly Clarkson
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 7.30 am
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: All but not white...
V - VEGETABLE: I am close to vegetarian
W - WORST HABIT: Nose picking
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD MOST RECENTLY: 2 yrs ago for UPM
Y - YOYOS ARE: Cool~
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Gemini

RANDOM QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU
Your favorite number/s: 23
What color do you wear most: Red, Orange, White
Least favorite color: Grey
What are you listening to: Spinning fan...
Are you happy with your life right now: Why not???
What is your favorite class in school: None
Who is/are your best friend/s: Pat and Dardar
Are you outgoing: I am ongoing
 Favorite pair of shoes: New balance
Can you dance?: Dardar say can
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth: Whats's a cherry stem?
Can you whistle: accidentally tried once, on normal days NO
Cross your eyes: HUH???
Walk with your toes curled: Nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN...
Do you believe in life in other planets: yes
Do you believe in miracles: yes
Do you believe in magic: you mean illusions?
Love at first sight: Nope
Do you believe in Santa: hahaha... never =.="
Do you know how to swim: Yes
Do you like roller coasters: Yes
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows: I will puke
Have you ever been on a plane: yup
Have you ever asked someone out: Yes
Have you ever been to the ocean: Yes
Have you ever painted your nails?: Urgh... so girly

THE WHAT'S
What is the temperature outside?: 31 degree Celsius
What radio station do you listen to: My FM
What was the last restaurant you ate at: Do you count mamak as a restaurant?
What was the last thing you bought: dinner bak kut teh and Tom Yam
What was the last thing on TV you watched: News

THE WHO'S
Who was the last person you IM'd: dardar
Who was the last person you took a picture of: Chicks
Who was the last person you said I love you to: I said I lub you to Dardar

CRYING SECTION
Ever really cried your heart out: My heart is still in
Ever cried yourself to sleep: yup
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder: yup
Ever cried over the opposite sex: My mum?
Do you cry when you get an injury: Duh
Do certain songs make you cry: Yes... Love of Siam theme song

HAPPY SECTION
Are you a happy person?: most of the time

LOOK AT ME
What is your current hair color: Brown

CURRENTLY WEARING
What shirt are you wearing: I am shirtless fondling my nipples
Pants: You guys wear pants at home?
Shoes: None
Necklaces: None

IN A GUY/GIRL
Favorite eye color: Hazel
Short or long hair: Army style
Height: No dwarves please!

HAVE YOU EVER
Been to jail: No
Mooned someone: No
Thought about suicide: yeah
Laughed so hard you cried: yes
Cried in school: when I got upset of J
Thrown up in a store: No
Wanted to be a model: YES
Seen a dead body:Yes
Been on drugs: only medications
Gone skinny dipping: T__T never

THIS OR THAT
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: McD
Single or Group Dates: Single
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Strawberries or Blueberries: Blueberries
Meat or Veggies: Veggies
TV or Movie: Movie
Guitar or Drums: guitar
Adidas or Nike: Nike sux! Adidas sux too but Nike sux even more...
Chinese or Mexican: Chinese 
_____________________________________________________________________
Who did u tag: To whoever interested

Unexpected

My finals started yesterday. It was okay I guess. After the paper, Pat and I went for a movie at The Mines TGV. Pathetic! The cinema only had 4 movies on that day. Out of the 4 movies, 2 were local production. Since Pat had watched Sammy the Turtle, we opted for The Other Guys. Nice movie. Made me laughed the whole time. Wanna know more? Watch it yourself... Pat and I had a little talk too. Apparently, he didn't expect 'us' to last until now. He thought we would have broke off in half a year time. I asked why and he replied that I am someone that would get bored at something real quick. I guess there are many things that don't always follow our expectations. I also didn't expect the movie to be so funny. hehehe...

School Boy or Ah Beng?

Picture taken at Miko Steamboat Buffet 1 day after the haircut... I think the black singlet is so motivational for me to workout XD 

More About Me: Fetish

I have this habit of picking my nose. I used to think it is gross and should never be done in public. But not so long ago I discover a new fetish of mine. To pick nose regardless it is mine or not! LOL! When dardar go to bed. I disturb him by picking his nose. When he sleeps too much I will also do the same. wakakaka! Next is when I see people picking their nose during a traffic congestion, I will do the same while looking at them until they notice me. Definitely a good tease when I saw this malay lady laughed after seeing me pick my nose coz she was doing the same thing. The final one was EPIC! My classmate wanted to make me cheat in the exam and presented the pinky swear. I pretended I was gonna do it but put my pinky into my nose instead and she felt gross. The whole idea of cheating was never brought up again. LOL!

More About Me: Study

My average score for most test don't fall below 85%. My coursemates assume that I am very hardworking. Just yesterday, my lecturer decided to make me the class role-model. What they don't realize is that I am just as lazy as them. I play Atlantica Online during my free hours. I watch TV at dardar's house. I read Facebook most of the time. I spend time talking to dardar about many things. I am just an average Joe enjoying life in a way I think is enjoyable.

So, how/when do I study?

1) I do last minute revision. I think alot people do the same. Dardar can be my eye witness. I am LAZY.
2) I know my limit/ability. I estimate the minimum amount of time I need to revise the subject to maintain the pointer. I normally take 1 night or 2 to cover 1 subject.
3) If you know the subject have alot of memorizing to do, write short simple notes. I only do this when the handouts are too long and filled with repitition or infos that I think is useless in exams. 
4) Always attend lectures. Pay attention to the tips/hints given by the lecturer. They may say things like "Students normally can't answer when I ask them...", "This is very important", "I may include this in the test".
5) Know the format/ style of the lecturer. If they say they will ask essay type questions, focus more on topics that have comparisons, processes as well as factors that are 5 and more. I would normally avoid definitions if is essay type. If is objective questions I would just read the notes many times and try to memorize those with 3 or 4 factors. 
6) Borrow reference books when you don't understand. Most of the time I only read lecture notes but there are times when I borrow books to get a better understanding on certain topics. This is normally becoz the handouts given don't have good explanations.
7) Study/ practice everyday if you are learning a new language. I am taking Japanese and I study whenever I am not around dardar. In between classes or during lunch break. Then around dardar, I try to speak Japanese with whatever vocab I can recall.
8) Open your mouth! Ask questions when you don't understand. By doing so, you not only get your answers but the lecturer also knows that you are interested in his lecture. They get to know you and remembers your name. They might even get friendly and provide you with their handphone number. This will go a long way if you are expected to be in his/her class for several semesters.
9) Don't be shy, ask for exam tips and guides from lecturers. They MAY or MAY NOT give but at least I will know if he/she does.  

Lastly, study style differs for everyone. The way I study is applicable because I am just taking Bachelor of Aquaculture. Not medicine, pharmacy or engineering.

I Like to Act Cute

This morning, when I woke up, I had the urge to write this post. It's true to the title. I like to act cute. Why? Sometimes it comes naturally. When my imagination runs wild, I can do actions that catches people's attention. I don't mind the attention. Whether they think I am cute, crazy or dumb. I DON'T care. Sometimes I act cute or silly to make dardar happy. And sometimes I do it to make my friends laugh. I want people around me to be happy. Why the serious face all the time? I just don't get it. Anyhow, I was kinda surprised when I read what Jerry a.k.a Beyond wrote. Seriously, awesome timing! 

I make face. I make anime voices. I dance. I pose. Most importantly, I smile!

It's Not All Honey

It has been 5 months. Throughout this period when we were together not everything is sweet and sappy. There are times where we have communication breakdown. Just like yesterday, a morning outing turned disastrous when minute trivial matters compiled consecutively. Yeah, arguments can start over unimportant things. When the bear gets irritated by external factors, he try other ways to calm himself down and when some other creature intentionally shutdown the options, it just pisses him off. From a simple irritation from the sunlight to my skin, together with some untimely teasing is enough to set the bear into a foul mood. Then comes the bear that wants to let out its frustration through roaring at some uneconomical no-taste-humans but his mouth gape was shut clean. With that comes the rampage that no salmon has ever seen. Words from the tongue of other creatures may not get through when the bear is enraged. Sometimes it's best to just let the bear be alone. Solitary may be essential for a creature to reflect on his actions.

"Warning to all creatures of the forest, bears are highly territorial. He needs his own space. Never stop a bear from doing what he enjoys, he might end up tearing you apart"

~Do Not Mess With the Bear~

Losing Ground

These days I have only been thinking about fun, fun and FUN! Despite having the second test and presentations going on, my focus was on Heroes, Facebook and Plant versus Zombies. Yeah, procrastination running circles in my head. An old habit of mine that never seem to disappear.

Justin Baldoni from Heroes

OMG. Is he not gorgeous? Catch him starring as Alex Woosley in Heroes season 3. Another favourite of mine would be Sylar a.k.a Zachary Quinto. This may sound weird but I also like Ando (James Kyson Lee). There there... How can I leave out Milo Ventimiglia as Peter Petrelli. Yummy~

During the afternoon, I went over to the Academic Department to collect my certificate for my 2nd semester's result. In the list from Agriculture Faculty, was just me and another guy. The Vice Chancellor list that is. Can't believe it, just the both of us. But I don't think I will ever be listed on the Vice Chancellor ever again. Dropping to Dean list now. Yups, blame it on my laziness.

Moments ago I received the marks for the biostatistics paper and I was stunned for a moment. I knew i wouldn't be doing as good as the first paper but to do that bad was really out of my plan. 78/100. I am almost losing grip of my A for this subject. Focus focus focus...

Aside from that my mind have been wandering alot lately. No, it's not a wet dream. But my very 1st dream having anal sex with someone. Gosh! Nope, I am not the bottom :p

~What have been lost will be balanced by what we gain, we can't have too much of one thing~

23 Footprints of Brave Bear

Bear got tagged by the pooh A.K.A Mark. So bear with me. The post is gonna be quite a long one.

1. The number one fact that everyone MUST know about bear is that he loves his mother most! No matter what mama bear says or do, bravebear will love mama bear. Even as bravebear might complain about mama bear, deep in his heart he knows he loves mama bear like no other. No one can replace her.

2. Contrary to popular believes, bravebear is the eldest of a sibling of 3. The bear is often times mistaken to be the youngest due to his carefree behaviour.

3. Red was once a colour that the bear despise cos it was bright and attractive. But J has shown bear that it is a very wonderful colour. Bear now holds on to this colour for it makes bear happy seeing this colour. Always bright, cheerful and attractive.

4. Despite the bear looks small in size, he can actually eat mountains of food. Please restrain from taking him out to buffets.

5. Bear can munch on mangoes everyday if given if the supply at home is plentiful. His favourite fruit to date.

6. The first gay movie that bear watched was Shelter. Followed by Love of Siam that etched its way to the heart of bear. He cried for days and was emotionally unstable because of that movie.

7. Bear confessed his sexuality to his mum on the day after he watched the Love of Siam. A dinner filled with emotions.

8. The bear idolizes no one but himself. Despite the many flaws of bear, he never looked down on himself because he loves himself for who he is today.

9. How the blog title came about. Bernard means as brave as a bear. Bears leaves pawprints but it didn't sound nice so footprints was used.

10. The bear was once really atheletic. Won 3 gold medals (4x 400m , 800m, 1500m) and a silver medal (400m) during his form 1 sports day.

11. Ever heard of Kung-Fu Panda. The bear is a blackbelt holder in Taekwondo and has joined several sparring competitions with medals of gold, silver and bronze.

12. The bear is an avid reader of several manga series. Dragon Ball, Dragon Quest, Sailormoon, Doreamon, Crayon Shin Chan, Bleach, Detective Conan and Defense Devil. It all started from Doraemon where the bear borrowed from his kindergarten tuition teacher. But Naruto has remained at the top spot of all.

13. Bear repeated Final Fantasy on his game console for uncountable times. His favourite up to now would be Final Fantasy 7 and 8. Squall, Cloud and Vincent, a hot threesome perhaps?

14. No pies tastes like apple pie. Unless they have mango pies! Yummy!

15. Like all bear, honey is a delicacy that no bear could resist. Pooh loves it doesn't he.

16. Bear has a scar on the back of his right thigh. Bear sat on the kitchen top one day. Without realizing that the drawer was opened he jumped off and his thigh was scrapped by the edge of the drawer.

17. The bear lived without internet access at home till the age of 18 years old.

18. The first porn that he only took a short glimpse was when J showed him. Straight japanese porn. About 2 minutes if my memory serves me right.

19. When eating prawns, Bear prefers them to be totally unshelled. He dislikes removing the cumbersome shells on his own.

20. Blueberry cheesecake from UPM bakery tastes heavenly. It tastes so much like the ones from Secret Recipe. yum yum~

21. Naughty naughty bear. He 'took' money from mama bear's handbag sneakily whenever mama bear is not around until he got caught one day. From that day onwards he never steal from mama bear :p

22. The bear is crazy about Heroes, a TV series full of super power. He hopes to one day able to control time and space as he likes just like Hiro Nakamura.

23rd of May. Remember this date well. The bear expects birthday presents ^__^

~If you can't live with something, make a change. If you don't, just quit yappin'~

Underweight

Since it was free, I took a BMI test that was available in my college area. The results were:

Figures in brackets are the normal range for my height.

Height: 173cm
Weight: 54kg (56.0 ~ 75.7)
Muscle mass: 25.8kg (28.1 ~ 34.4)
Body fat mass: 7.6kg (7.9 ~ 15.8)
Protein 9.2kg (9.9 ~ 12.1)
BMI: 18.0 (18.5 ~ 25.0)
Percent body fat: 14.0% (10.0 ~ 20.0)
Waist hip ratio: 0.78 (0.75 ~ 0.85)
Basal metabolic rate: 1373 kcal (1262 ~ 1461)

See! I told you I was abnormal. Normal is sooo over-rated. Who wants to be normal anyway. LOL!

~If you like normal, you are the abnormal one~

My New Haircut and something more...

Judging time! LOL! Due to the requests of several people. Here, enjoy!

:p the last 2 pic specially for you guys ;)