Phase of Uncertainty

I recall a friend once said, "They do not understand because they do not go through what we do". They in this context are people that do not go through a phase in life where they doubt about their sexuality, in short, people that are homophobes. Not only PLU go through this phase, some straight people too.

From young remember how every single drama and movie I watch is always about guy kissing girl and happily ever after. I do find it sweet and romantic. I used to imagine myself marrying a women having lots of kids.

However, at the same time I am also attracted to guys. I remember staying up late to watch Survivor. I would sit in front of the screen admiring the good looks and body. As for the ladies, I could hardly remember their names. Even until now, I find it hard to memorize names of girls that I meet.

Sure enough later I find myself liking dicks guys more than girls when I was with my very 1st ex. But after we went separately, I find myself in a phase of uncertainty. Despite knowing that I like guys, I tried to go 'straight'. I tried really hard to make myself interested in a girl. Pretending that I want to know her. It was torturous. I question myself if I were gay, bi or a confused straight over and over again. 

I had no one to talk to. I wasn't participating in any blog or PLU support group. I was by myself, surrounded by homophobic people. Feeling that I am an outcast. Abnormal. Worse, I am new in uni with coursemates that are either racist or not-so-into-non-mandarin-speaking chinese.

Then came Jesus. I thought I could make it to the other side if I believed in him. At one point I really thought by accepting him I am saved. That I won't be thrown into the fiery pits of hell. The Christians offered me help on turning straight. Then came the doubt again. For all my life I had lived without HIM. Why would I trust my life in him?

That was the moment when I found PLU blogosphere. I read day and night. Knowing that I am not the only one going through all this puts me at ease. I used to think that being 'different' in Malaysia means you are as good as gone. The blogs shown me that there are many of us out there. Living all sorts of different lives whether they like it or not.

From the point I accepted being who I am, was also the end point of the phase of uncertainty. Being colourful is definitely special. Many dull 'normal' people won't like special people. It's hard being special as we are. But as I could recall, when I was a kid, I always wanted to be special. However, as I grow up, I just wanna be the same like others just so I can fit in. It shows how others can affect us, the way we think. 

I owe my freedom to those 'colourful' blogs.