Footprints of B & B

It was Autumn

where maple leaves shower

covering the very surface of her

the one we call mother

I walked and walked

in search of company

or maybe

just nuts, berries or honey

as i sniffed around

i spot a scent so familiar

with every step i draw closer

it grew stronger

without realizing

we were just inches apart

I looked at that odd looking figure

while its eyes stared right at mine

we checked out each other

somehow we are similar

yes...

it was another bear

his name too has B as a starter

we walked together down a narrow stream

I enjoyed the fun & laughter

how i wished we could keep walking together

to share our thoughts with one another

looking forward to the coming days

hoping our paths will cross again

but until then

take care my dear friend...

~i would like to be your friend~

Footprints of B & J

I wander the dark forest
not knowing where to go
lost & lonely
but there you were
smiling at me
waving
you came near me
and asked of my name
I answered not
for you were a stranger
but you never gave up
patience you clearly stated
again and again
you tried so hard
yet...
I never spoke a word
you never asked of my ignorance
I walked off quietly
closely you followed
every step i took
moments later
a log I found
Berlinia was its name
I sat down
taking deep breaths
you stood beside me
asking if you could sit next to me
answer I did not
yet...
cheerfully
you sat beside me
Again you asked
What's your name?

And that's how the tale began. The story of a curious bear that came across an ignorant bear. J the curious bear & B the ignorant bear. The year 2001 was the mark of a new chapter in the books of bears, 'The Footprints of Brave Bear'...

~what's your name?~

Fragile

I was never a fan of Thai movies. I have never watched any movie with a gay love theme till recently. Bear loves happy endings. The sad endings just breaks my heart. I never thought it would leave such a great impact on me. I feel so weak now. Hoping someone would be there for me to pour it all out. Bear knows its just a movie. No need to be so emo. But somehow... the movie reminds me so much of 'him'. The way 'he' caresses me. Jokes with me. Held me in 'his' arms. The way 'he' took my hands and we would walk the streets. The piggyback ride where people would stare at us but we would just ignore. I missed it so much. Hurts so much to think of it.

Even the final scene of the movie. Reminds me of what I asked 'him'. Its as if at that moment I was Mew and 'he' was Tong. After we broke up, I tried to forget him. Hating him. I try my best to avoid him. Whenever he spoke to me I would scold him. So stupid of me. Immature. Childish. 'He' still cared for me. No matter how much I make him angry he wouldn't mind. Only after the movie I realized that 'he' still cared for me even when we couldn't be together. Even at lunch that day, he noticed that I was down. 'He' asked if I was okay. 'He' asked me to tell 'him' whats wrong. The more 'he' cared for me, the more painful it is for me. But I was happy at the same time. From now on lets refer 'him' as J.

~handle with care~

The Love of Siam

Call me outdated. But its always better to be late than never! This movie captivated my heart. A story about love, friendship and family. Mario Maurer as Tong and Witwisit Hiranyawongkul as Mew are neighbours at the start in this story.

Tong and Mew became best friends. Tong got a Christmas present for Mew which is a wooden doll that is comprised of a few components. Tong made it a treasure hunt for Mew to get his present. But the last piece of the doll(the nose) was hidden on a tree and it got lost cos the tree got chopped off. After the lost of Tong's sister, Tang, their family decided to move. The 2 had to be separated(cried the 1st time).
After years had passed, the 2 were reunited. Mew, talented in music finds inspiration to write love songs through Tong. As for Tong, he has a girlfriend named Donut(yeah... wad a weird name) but he don't really have any feelings for her.
1 night, Tong's mother saw Tong kissing with Mew in the backyard of their home. And also due to the incident where Tong went to overnight at Mew's place worried her more. She confronted Mew and asked him to let go Tong(damn... i cried again).
After that, Mew avoided Tong. He even doesn't want to sing anymore for his band cos he no longer has the 'feel' to sing. But on Christmas, Mew agreed to give it a try and sing at Siam Square. Tong meets Donut and officially broke up with her! He rushed to the square to see Mew's performance.
After the performance, Tong went to see Mew.

Tong: The music was great.
Mew: Do you have anything to say after listening to it?
Tong: Umm... I can't be with you as your boyfriend. But that doesn't mean that I don't love you.
Mew: Thank you. (Mew smiled)
(Oh, here it started flowing again) T.T

Tong passed the last piece of the doll to Mew as his Christmas present. At the end of the movie, Mew placed the last piece on the wooden doll and said thank you. He then cried quietly(i cried again).

Watching this movie made me think of 'him'. The past we had. The times we spent together. I could somehow relate to Mew's loneliness. Things just got worse when 'he' called me out for lunch. I just kept thinking about all the stuff. Gosh...

During dinner, I didn't have much appetite. My tears rolling... thinking of the movie. Flashbacks of the moments we were together. I don't want my mum to know of this love. Afraid that she couldn't accept it and would emotionally breakdown. My mum was there in the kitchen and she saw me. I couldn't control myself. The fear was so great that my tears kept rolling.

Mum: What happen? Did anyone bully you?
Bern: No... nothing...
Mum: Then why you crying? Just tell me.
Bern: Nothing... I... It just that... I don't think I like girls.
Mum: Don't think too much. You are still young.
Bern: No. I don't like girls not cos no girl like me. But its cos...
Mum: Boy, don't think too much. You are still young. Just concentrate on your study. Don't think about it.

Mum walk off to her room. I continued eating my dinner. I wonder if she understood that I wanted to tell her that I like guys. Such a crybaby I am. Cry so much...

~crybaby bern~

Shelter

I got to know about this movie, Shelter from Greensew. Thanks =) It is a touching movie about Zach (Trevor Wright) who sacrifices his dream of going to art school to support his ill father (Don Margolin), sister (Tina Holmes) and her young son, Cody(Jackson Wurth) . He finds happiness in surfing. But when he falls for Gabe's older brother, Shaun (Brad Rowe), his world is turned upside down. Zach struggles to learn how to put his own needs first before the demands of his family.

Don't worry, its not porn. Owh... I like this movie so much. Really sweet~ Don't miss it.

~follow your dreams and make it happen~

Picnic

Venue: Desa Park City

pose!

Tong yuen any1?

1st time picnic with friends. And really am happy to be able to take part =)
Owh... Ben and Pat... thx for the delicious tong yuen. Actually I dun like to eat tong yuen. But the ones u guys made were really good! Good job!

~just love the morning sun~

Mango Salsa

Here it is!!! Mango salsa... Well more like mixed salsa now. Hahaha...
Anyway, the main ingredients are 4 mangoes, a mug of cherry tomato, 2 baby capsicum(prefer orange color de) and 1 fresh cucumber. I made too much!!! only 8 person turned up and I made for 15 people(also depends on whether you have vegetarians around). I used 2 types of mangoes here and they both have different textures and degree of sweetness. I would recommend using more types of mango if you are making it for a large party. And do try to get sweet cheery tomatoes cos mine wasnt and it sux!!! ahahaha.... Well, anyhoo~ Let's start:

1st- dice the mangoes, halve the cherry tomatoes(according to preferences), slice the capsicums, and dice or slice the cucumber.
2nd- prepare the salsa sauce ->ingredients: blend 1 red onion, 2-3 tablespoon of pickled green chillies, 2-3 pieces of baby gherkins(use jalapeno pepper if available), 1 n half tablespoon of olive oil, 2 teaspoon of fine sugar, and lime juice squeezed from 3-4 limes(depend on size of lime).
3rd- Mix the blended ingredients into the fruits and its massage time! Give it a thorough massage and WALAAA~ we are not done =.="
4th- place it into the refrigerator and serve it chilled.(best to prepare it 1 and a half hour before serving)

what a tiring day... picnic with a bunch of friends and met Cherish. Kena halau but we still insist on staying there to picnic and the guards gave up trying to stop us LOL!
Oh, and Hoong thx for yer ais kacang! hehehe=)

That's it from Master Bear Chef...

~Bears are vegetarian???~

Ingredient hunting!

Went to Sogo today to look for the infamous Jalapeno peppers for a dish I cant wait to try out. Truly DISAPPOINTED cos can't find it! Dang! Guess I will have to use some other ingredient to replace it ~.~

Will be trying out baby gherkins instead. Hope this will work out. Keeping mai fingers crossed lol... After paying for the stuff I decided to take a stroll around Sogo. Bumped into this guy which I have not seen for years!!! Chun Leong!!! I was like WTF are you doing here and where the hell have you hide yerself??? haha... he is currently working part time there as a promoter. hmm... I am surprised to see him there but more surprised that I remembered his name. But sadly... He can't remember mine... lols... nevermind that.

Really exhausted cos went for basketball this morning at 8.30 with Lun, Pat, Chee Siong, Hoong and See Toh. Then went to Sogo after taking me lunch till bout 6 only I reach home... I walked so much!!! And sweat so much!!! Nonetheless a fun day XD

I'll be posting the dish pretty soon... hehe... cant wait...

~Can I replace chillies with cucumber?"

MouseHunt (Breed vs Weight)

Yay! Bear joined the hunt for mouse again. This is the second time. The theme this time was Breed vs. Weight. Practically each player will have to catch 10 mouse of different breed and weight. Guess wad... Bear was lucky to get 1st!!! Well, it wasn't really all about luck though. The two area that I could compete in was Furoma or Lagoon. I chose Furoma for several reasons.

1st- We can catch the masters of belt, fang and claw using specially crafted cheese which is a guaranteed 3 diff breeds.
2nd- We can increase our chances of getting student mice with the SB+ or the maki cheese.
3rd- Using a SB in the Pinnacle Chamber of Furoma almost guarantees a Hapless mouse.

To sum it up, there are a total of 7 mouse that we can manipulate!!! instead of relying purely on luck at Lagoon or GGT why not take matters into our own hands? The competition was tough cos although I was competing in the Grandmaster category, there are players that leveled up to Legendary. They obviously had the advantage. It was a tie between me, Billene, and Rasler. Each of us needed only 1 more mouse to win!!! At that very last moment I used SB to attract a 1oz. Hapless mouse to secure my victory. Call it skill or luck or both... Really happy =) My second victory joining these competitions.

The reward was 32,000 of gold and 20SB cheese. Bounty collected. Many thanks to Toh Ying for organizing the competition.

~may our traps be swift and attraction rate high~

Denial

Denying who I really was... that was what I was doing a year ago up until 3 months ago. Thinking that I would be able to change. Thinking that I could bring myself to have that 'feel' towards a female homo sapien. How silly of me... How much of me that I have yet to discover? How much does my friends know about me? How much do we really know about each other? What are friends? really... more questions keeps popping up in my head. For even I don't understand about myself, don't you dare say that you understand me!

I was talking to Ben at the cafe in the evening. Ben was talking bout how he knows about Jo-n and that she will only be more furious to go play tennis alone that evening after everyone decided not to turn up. He also talked about why we MUST care, take notice and know our friends cos we wont get anywhere in life if we don't... MUST? Are you kidding me Ben? You don't even know me! And how much of life do you know about to talk about it with so much confident? Honestly, the ego of humans makes us think that we are intellectual and knowledgeable. Ben, if you are reading this... don't assume you know a lot! there is more to a person than you can ever imagine. People can change. It may take 1 year, half a year, 1 month, a week, a day, or even a minute to change!!! Don't underestimate anyone!!!

last week Bear went IK meeting in the GAZEBO. It was interesting cos they showed this video of the galaxy and stuff. I knew that the stars were beautiful as I really like to look at the skies at night. Never have I imagine about how they really look like nor have I searched or it in the Internet. But the video was to tell us that we are in fact really small. I feel so little not by comparing myself with the size of the sun nor the size of solar system or universe. For that moment, it struck me that why they need to compare with something so big to see ourselves as tiny??? Was it even necessary? I could be standing a kilometer away from you and you wouldn't even be able to recognize its me. Watching the video was interesting cos I saw many new things but I just don't get the idea of comparing so far away when the comparisons could be done on earth itself. It makes no sense to me why they keep stressing that the earth is a tiny pale blue dot! Geez... Does it matter if the earth is so damn small? wadever you wanna say lah~

~how SMALL are you?~

Assumptions

More than meets the eye

how much do we really know?

We assume too much...

You assume:

I am straight just cos I flirt with girls...

I am confused/wrong coz the bible says so...

I am unhappy cos I didn't put on my smile like I always do...

I am happy just coz I said so...

I am shy just cos I didn't take the initiative to talk to you...

I am weak just coz I look thin too you...

I am tall just cos I am a tiny bit taller than you...

I like green color just coz my shirt, K660i & frames are green...

I dont have problems just cos I said I am fine...

I don't love you just coz I don't say I love you...

Malays are lazy just cos you met those that are lazy...

Chinese to be good at math just coz you met those that are good at it...

Don't just assume. There is more truth to what our naked eyes can see, our ears can hear, our mouth can tell...

~How much do we know?~

Surprises

Surprises. It come when you least expect it. Since the day I expect nothing from life. I found life to be relatively more surprising and interesting.
Like how I didnt expect MapleStory to be fun when I have so long not touched it. Even when I have lost so much after my account got hacked, I still find it fun to play and full of surprises.
Like how I didn't expect my MouseHunt trap to catch any mouse, but to my surprise I caught some rare stuff.
Like how I didn't expect my frens to react to my sexual preference. They were really supportive and understanding.
Like how I didn't expect my sister to love the birthday present I got her. She immediately emptied her old pencil case and filled the 1 I got her. I was surprised and happy to see her reaction.
I feel so surprised at how people would react as I no longer expect anything. And this feeling is so comfortable. I don't even go around teasing and scolding my sisters now. I guess this lesson has taught me to control my emotions and behaviour better. I would like to thank Evann for his post on The Empty Boat. It has brought peace to my mind and I now value harmony. Thank you Evann!



~Surprises come in times you least expect them~

The StoryTeller

This is to those who wish to know about me.



May 23 1988, to the world Bear arrives. No memories of how my maternal grandparents look like. But I do get dreams of my grandma bringing me to the market telling every1 that I am his grandchild. As for my father side, I have grandpa which I adore so much. I would never forget the day I got a fever and my grandpa carried me in his arms to a clinic. My grandma passed away before I was born, but I do have a stepgrandma. She just luvs to cut my hair. Everytime I visit them, she would complain about how long my hair is. But I know about the past thing that she did. When I was still an infant, she would leave me to cry when my parents are out for work. How do I know? My mom told me that the neighbours complained about it. Knowing this I actually kinda hated her. But years have passed... Forgiveness! Besides, she aint really that bad... ppl can change.



My parents are FOREVER bz. Studying in a kebangsaan school I have frenz of multi races. yeah~ I cant speak Mandarin, so what!!! I didnt choose to be in a kebangsaan school! My dad just didnt like the idea of me going to a chinese school cos he doesnt know MANDARIN!!! But I did picked up Cantonese while I was staying with the babysitter. My besties in primary school, Cheryl, Mei Jun, Adrina (yeah... they are all girls). We played all kinds of stuff. Wai Leng living near my house we would always play badminton tgt. After school I would play tag and hide & seek with Chee Loong, Chee Tat and Wai Leng. Sitting between Ivan & Serene is just fun-filled because they just love to quarrel!!! So much drama everyday! And I would never forget Kerryn, she is the 1st friend that I ever quarreled with. Being with my frens are the best times I had.



My dad, K.S Voon would never give me money to go for school trips. No Angpows. No birthday presents. No Mcdonalds. No nothing!!! He is a lazy slacker that goes to work late in the afternoon. My parents work together selling tiles and toilet accessories. My mom would go to work early in the morning while my dad sleeps. My dad would come home late at night drunk. What a pathetic dad to have. He would only buy things he likes. Never anything that we want. Clothes, food, toys, everything given by my mom. She works and comes home to cook. She is a machine! I love her so much!

My dad speaks no reason for he thinks that he is forever right. There was once the door was left open cos my sis 4got to close it. I was sleeping. He came back and saw the door was opened and without questioning he decided it was my mistake and called for me. I told him that it wasnt me that left the door opened and next next second he slapped me on the face. He would pinch me on the cheek or thigh when I accidentally scratched his car. I really hated him. I wished he was dead so many times...



Things turn bad when I was in standard 5. My dad cheating on my mom. The Bitch even came and broke our house window. My mom forgived dad cos she wants us to have a complete family. Standard 6, my grandpa finally rest in eternal slumber. The killer = lung cancer. I have never felt so much pain. The grandpa that I would visit everytime during CNY and christmas. I would keep quiet each time ppl talked about their families. I have no idea what to say. I even hated my sis back then when we were small. She is an introvert that doesnt like to share and we would fight for every single thing. I hated my family so much I wished that I only have grandpa and mom with me. Bonnie, my youngest sis born this year too.

Form 1. Ended up in the second class. Joined Taekwondo. Met this irritating guy that keeps talking to me. I just ignored him but he never gives up. My parents finally break up when my dad cheated on my mom again. My parents business gone into bankruptcy. My sisters, mom and I moved over to my uncle's house in Desa Jaya. Its a very dirty house. I even slept with rats and cockroaches. My mom went from a lady boss to a factory worker. Everyday she looked so weak and sad. I started to really do chores. Although I started doing chores at 9 y/o, it used to be just wash shoes and fold the clothes. But now I have to cook and wash clothes too. Lucky I picked up cooking when I was 9. I decided to remain in SMKB cos I dont wanna lose my frens. But without realising it, I lost most of my frens when I kept studying trying to fight back a spot for 1st class. I became an introvert. Keeping all things to myself.

Form 2, I made it into 1st class. The irritating guy from taekwondo came and sit with me in class. He just wouldnt give up. I ignored him but he would grab my ass each time during recess. I finally gave up and started talking to him. We became best frens in no time.

Form 3, we studied together after school and practiced taekwondo together and I was really happy whenever I was with him. He taught me all kinds of stuff. From studies to games. My very 1st experience with a guy was also him. Yeah, I guess I discovered that I liked guys cos of him. But it all started as just havin fun but I guess I really fell for him. 1 day I asked my uncle's wife to borrow RM50 to pay for taekwondo fee. Guess what??? She went and told my other aunts that I stole her money when I was out for practice. And when I got back home, my mom questioned me in a very bad mood about it. Few months later that BITCH made tons of calls and the telephone bills soared. She accused me for making them and my mom cut off the service. DAMN her!!! She wanted to have us gone.
7As for my PMR, but my mom just wouldnt want to say that I did good. MOM, CAN'T U JUST SAY THOSE WORDS? All i ever wanted was to hear those words. I just want motivation. All this while anything other from A is a fail to you. even when I finally got all As you just wouldnt say them... It hurts me alot you know? each time you complain to the teachers and my frens that I am naughty and I dont study. CANT YOU JUST UTTER THOSE WORDS???

Form 4, we broke off as I wasnt mature enuff to maintain the relationship. I lost all motivation to study. Results dropping real bad. And I lost almost all my close frens as we are seperated into diff classes. I tried really hard to make new frens. Everyday I would talk to every1 but no1 seems to accept me into their gang. I felt so lonely. I even thought of suicide...

Form 5, I gave up trying to make frens. Hoong and Meng would come over to my class during recess and it cheers me up knowing that they remembered me. With my results dropping, my mom start to nag everyday. But somehow managed to pull off 8 As and 2 Bs.

Going to F6, my results in form 6 is just the worst of the worst. Hardly passed any subjects. As usual, all the nagging from my mom. I became immune it. No longer have any interest in studying but going F6 cos I didnt know what to do. Started all sorts of on9 and computer games cos I can finally on9 at home. We shifted back to Sri Sinar as its easier to go school and also due to the fact that my BITCHY aunt wants us to leave. Made some new frens, Dexter and Lun. They were my closest friends.

And now... ended up in UPM. My roommate Meng, THX =) joined IKUPM and met Peter and Boon. We would go swimming, basketball, badminton, orchard and durian together. THX both of you. My maple account got hacked, I lost any motivation to play on9 games & stopped playing dotA. From accepting Christ I thought I have finally found the answer to all my pain and suffering. I prayed to GOD for friends, love and attention. Few months ago I had a crush on a guy. I confessed to him and even tried to ask him out. I started coming out as myself. Yeah, I AM GAY! But a few days ago, I realized that GOD, friends, love & my wishes isnt what I was seeking. For years I hated my life cos I dont have a complete family. I hated my dad. I get angry at every mistake that ppl make. I get angry when ppl do things slowly. I even hated MYSELF! I thought by having a strong mind I will be able live a life without pain, sorrow, disappointment...

I finally realized that all this while I am not satisfy with what I have is due to my LUST & DESIRES. I wanted love, care, attention, friends just like everyone. Having hope, desires and expectations left me with despair, sorrow, disappointment... I decided to rid myself of all expectations and desires for the materials, love and sorts... For I realised that nothing is forever. Everything that has a beginning has an end. Thank you to all of you who cares about me. But love hurts me alot. I can no longer share love with you guys. I am an empty person now. As good as dead.



~Goodbye lust, desire, expectations~

The tri-Attack

Bear got attacked by 3 super irritating bastards today.
1st up, sorethroat...*clap clap clap*
2nd to hit, flu~ *Haachiuuu!*
3rd in line, cough *cough cough*
4th prediction, the almighty fever!(hopefully it won't strike me...)

didn't really get enough sleep last night cos keep waking up to drink water. Really salute them for coming in as a team. This morning woke up at about 7.30 and didn't even need the alarm clock =.=" just couldn't sleep!!! then quickly went out to print our group report. (so kesian ~.~ alone summore) then to the PK to meet doc to get some medication.
honestly... I was expecting them to be miracle pills that instantly take effect and I am at fully cured by the next minute... have to rush for lab summore at 9!!!
went to lab but just don't feel like doing anything. But am really happy cos my coursemates kept asking if i am alright... Thx u guys!!!

Really don't feel like smilling today, BUT!!! Me being me, I still kept the smile on cos that is my motto... my Malay frens told me that "senyuman itu sedekah" and so it is good to smile alot =)
And even till today, I remember 1 of my fren once said "Always be Happy. Always wear a Smile; Not because life is full of reason to =), but because ur Smile itself is a reason 4 many others 2 Smile =)" thx Boon~ I luv it so much!!! and to everyone out there, spread the smile =)


^^say CHEESE!^^

Hungry Ghost Festival

Woo~ Woo~
7th month of the lunar calender. The gates of hell opens. They roam the lands in search for food. Be back early! or misfortune may fall upon you...
Who believes in ghosts??? i don't!!! *bleks*
You may all say that they exist and bla bla blah... whatever man!

Why u may ask... Its simple, Bear have never seen any ghost ya... not even 1, so STFU about telling me ghost stories. Since bear was young(still am), I remember mom telling me to sleep early during the 7th month of the lunar calender. I always ask her why but she just wouldn't want to answer. Then I found out from my frens in school. They just luv to talk ^^ news and info just spreads really fast in school. Countless times i asked me mom about ghost... "Mee... Does ghost exist?" or "Mee... are there any ghosts in this world?" and I would only receive the same answer "Boy... there is no such thing as ghosts". Then I say Oh~ but there is always this little fear in me that they do exist. Lurking around the corner or bathroom of my house during the festival... and this is all thanks to those horror movies!

But despite what my mom told me. She would go to the roadside and burn 'money' and offerings. Mom... I am speechless... maybe you said what you said so that I would not be afraid of them and I love you for doing that. All this while I still dare to go toilet during midnight is thanks to what you said. Bear would go in and mutter "ghost don't exist ghost don't exist" hahaha... anyway, the reason why chinese burn these offerings are so that they get good luck or to prevent misfortune as in not to anger the spirits. ceh~ wadever~


^^See No Evil^^