Natural Behaviour

Everytime when we argue, I need time. Time regain composure. Time to think of what had actually happen. As well as time to figure out the cause and reasons. I mentioned in my previous post that I like singing, sometimes over the top style with some dance. I also like to act silly or act cute and sometimes I would also imitate celebrities and game or anime characters. I notice that I don't always do it. I only do it in front of people that I like or people that are close to me. Mostly in front of pat and dardar. It became so natural to me that there are times I forgot that my intention was to entertain them, to make them laugh or smile.

Of course I enjoy doing it because it makes me happy. But at the same time, I hope that the people that I do it for also be happy with me. When they don't, it upsets me. Really, not all the time but occasionally. Dardar mentioned that sometimes he is afraid that I overwork myself. But as I said, it became so natural to me doing silly stuff that I forgot why I did it in the 1st place. But when dardar said that he loves seeing me being energetic and lively because it makes him happy too.

It was also the first time seeing him in tears. Like really in tears for awhile with the sobbing. hehe... so nice. Sometimes I wish he would be more in touch with that part of him. To cry out when he is feeling sad or unhappy. To smile and laugh out loud when in joy. He is so cancerian, always putting up that thick shell to mask his weakness and emotions.

First Ever Promoter

My 1st time being a promoter. Was at Solaris Mont Kiara Cold Storage. Easy work and kinda fun coz quite a few eye candy. Other than that, I am exhausted coz woke up at 6 this morning to go Cheng Ming then straight to work. Stand walk stand walk whole day... TIRED! SLEEP!

Phase of Uncertainty

I recall a friend once said, "They do not understand because they do not go through what we do". They in this context are people that do not go through a phase in life where they doubt about their sexuality, in short, people that are homophobes. Not only PLU go through this phase, some straight people too.

From young remember how every single drama and movie I watch is always about guy kissing girl and happily ever after. I do find it sweet and romantic. I used to imagine myself marrying a women having lots of kids.

However, at the same time I am also attracted to guys. I remember staying up late to watch Survivor. I would sit in front of the screen admiring the good looks and body. As for the ladies, I could hardly remember their names. Even until now, I find it hard to memorize names of girls that I meet.

Sure enough later I find myself liking dicks guys more than girls when I was with my very 1st ex. But after we went separately, I find myself in a phase of uncertainty. Despite knowing that I like guys, I tried to go 'straight'. I tried really hard to make myself interested in a girl. Pretending that I want to know her. It was torturous. I question myself if I were gay, bi or a confused straight over and over again. 

I had no one to talk to. I wasn't participating in any blog or PLU support group. I was by myself, surrounded by homophobic people. Feeling that I am an outcast. Abnormal. Worse, I am new in uni with coursemates that are either racist or not-so-into-non-mandarin-speaking chinese.

Then came Jesus. I thought I could make it to the other side if I believed in him. At one point I really thought by accepting him I am saved. That I won't be thrown into the fiery pits of hell. The Christians offered me help on turning straight. Then came the doubt again. For all my life I had lived without HIM. Why would I trust my life in him?

That was the moment when I found PLU blogosphere. I read day and night. Knowing that I am not the only one going through all this puts me at ease. I used to think that being 'different' in Malaysia means you are as good as gone. The blogs shown me that there are many of us out there. Living all sorts of different lives whether they like it or not.

From the point I accepted being who I am, was also the end point of the phase of uncertainty. Being colourful is definitely special. Many dull 'normal' people won't like special people. It's hard being special as we are. But as I could recall, when I was a kid, I always wanted to be special. However, as I grow up, I just wanna be the same like others just so I can fit in. It shows how others can affect us, the way we think. 

I owe my freedom to those 'colourful' blogs.

Ripple Effect

Some of you may have read the blog description below the title of my blog - "Every step leaves ripples for the earth keeps all records". I wrote that when I first started blogging. Whether it is grammatically correct or not I shall leave it as it is. But what I wanna tell is that no matter what we do, consciously or sub-consciously it always leave a ripple effect. In the ripple, your action is that center where it starts the ripple. It then expands and touches others. By others, I mean other people.

An example, my mother used to think that the 3R campaign is a waste or time. Only people without a life would be bothered about it. At that time I thought it was troublesome, the teachers wants every student to send in recyclable materials to the school. I started doing it and told my mom what to be kept. I will not lie, she was not keen about it at first because she thinks it's keeping rubbish. After about a year doing it at home, she got so excited about doing it because other parents are also involved and she don't want to lose out. Same goes for the usage of plastic bags.

As of late, I have been watching lots of YouTube videos. I somehow got caught up again with the way Americans speak. Their intonation and the way they express their feeling is what I view as interesting. And they make those cute little faces when they make their vlog. I try to incorporate that into my life cause I think it adds flavor to life. You may say that I am easily influenced by others but what the heck. Life is about changes. I love changes. Changes are fun.

Asexuals

It's weird how people can assume things to follow a certain pattern. What would you think if you discovered a bottle of lubricant or a packet of condoms in a persons belongings? What more when you know that guy has a boyfriend. Sex would be what most of us think of. Penetration to be precise. I find these people really cute. It's not wrong to make assumptions, but it may not always be what you pressumed. Not all gays are into anal sex. Some people enjoy masturbating with lubs and/or rubbers. It is a fact.

Ever heard of the term asexuals in the world of gay? I didn't really know about it until last December when dardar and I read about it from a brochure from PT Foundation. Apparently, people that are asexuals are people that do not have sex with others. They prefer playing themselves or doing some sexual activities together that does not involve penetration. I think I may be one lol... I wonder if dardar is too... hehehe!

The Generation Gap

While having lunch with Pat, he asked me what is it like to be with someone who is alot older. Piko-chan is indeed a decade plus older than me, but I don't find us very much different. Or perhaps I don't really think about our differences. Our similar interest is what binds us. We both enjoy playing online games together. We enjoy cruising together. I like whites. He likes jap and chinese. But throughout our time together, I have developed some interest in the others too. I still dun like jap porn though. SUX big time! 

We both like to eat. I like to critic what I eat but piko-chan never talks much about the taste. He wallops almost anything. I LOVE mangoes. My eyes blings whenever I see mango. While piko-chan loves bananas. Heck! I bet most of my readers love 'bananas' too. HaHaHa...

He likes sleeping longer hours on weekends coz he don't need to work while I prefer waking up early to engage in games that stimulate the mind. He likes reading. I read 3 books from his shelves and I think it was one of the most extraodinary thing anyone can see me doing. Reading books is BORING!

Piko-chan is a person that search for info (wikipedia, etc.) about a movie before we watch it. I just watch anything that I feel is good enough from the poster or trailer. Piko-chan doesn't want to watch horror movies coz he is scaredy-cat. I watch horrors eventhough I am more afraid than him.

In the end, gap or not doesn't really matter. What matters to me is staying happy together. I do my part to paint a smile on him coz seeing him smile makes me smile.