Emotional Much?

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Today I discovered myself having "Fearful Avoidant Attachment" based on the Attachment Theory in Psychology, which is one of the factors that lead to the downfall of the lover relationship with Bear.

"They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. They can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms."

"They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner."

And earlier today this morning, I was receiving messages in Facebook, asking me if I'm doing okay. It was because my recent Facebook was emotional. I posted my reply below as a Facebook entry, told Bear about it and he was in agreement that it is the right thing to do.

"I have gotten some feedback that my FB posts are emotional. I have learned now that it's important to know how to express thoughts and feelings. If one is able to freely do it online, next time it would also easier to do it with the lover, best friend and whoever, that they are important, being loved, being in our hearts.
Express the emotions, open up the heart. Communication is not only about thoughts and ideas, it's also about feelings - positive and negative. Don't bottle them up, let them be known.
Some people might find positivity in all these. Some people might have the same struggle in life but after reading these, he now knows he's not alone in all these.
Importantly, be true to yourself about your own emotions and share them too."

I Just Have to "Keep Trying"

Sunday, August 25, 2019

I can't remember exactly when I really got interested into her songs but during that time many years ago, Utada Hikaru's famous song - "First Love" was really captivating. I used to watch that music video endless times, memorized the lyrics and the song arrangement was easy to sing along. Her songs was one of my inspirational factor to learn up Japanese.

And now during this difficult period, I fall back onto her support again, listening to one of her another famous song. The song name"Keep Trying" is really an apt title for me to really pull myself together and to make me stand up and walk on my feet again.

It has been 3 weeks now. Some people heal faster, some people heal slower but eventually everyone would emerge stronger than before. It's not easy for me but it has to be done. I just have to keep trying.

I have searched the Internet for a high definition video of this song but only found this mediocre quality one. It's motivational (at least for me) and if you want to know the English meaning of the lyrics, it's widely available in the Internet. If you have time... please watch the video from start till end.

Dream Catcher

Thursday, August 22, 2019

I used to be a late-riser. I could sleep into the late morning, ignoring the clanking and machinery sounds of the nearby constructions. But these days, it is different.

Sometimes, without any reasons (or maybe I've forgotten 'em), I would wake up in the middle of night with a heavy breathing. And I would just do some light breathing exercise and let myself fall asleep again. There are times when I would wake up at 6am (I can guess the time cos I could hear the Muslim dawn prayer from a nearby mosque) and at most times I wake up at earlier hours than my late-riser habits.

And sometimes, I would have different dreams on different days. I could see myself in a city but I'm lost on my directions. I have a rough idea where I want to go but I just couldn't find the way. And there are times when I have dreams that I am traveling checking in at a hotel or somewhere; and I find myself having to lose my keys or lost my clothes or losing something. Then I would be frantically searching for the lost items. These light panic attacks wake up from my dream. There was also one dream that I was at a higher ground, I wanted to take a photo and have a look around the area to find my bearings but I then I find myself losing my balance and fall.

I just hope I can relieve my bad dreams by writing them here; sort of like a dream catcher.


Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Last time I do not have the tendency to really make publicly how I feel about certain things, especially on very positive events. It's ironic the mellow and melancholy entries were written to a very dramatic manner. But I think I wanna change that, express publicly anything that are positive too. It's a change I can deal it.

Today, Bear is having his off-day from work and we get to text each other more than usual. We talked a lot of stuffs and I was particularly elated on one particular text chat he wrote to me. Even though there are people might take it as a trivial matter, and need not be too hype about that but, I believe all appreciations should be held with high regards. 

Bear is on the left and I'm on the right

I truly whole heartily agree with Urban Dictionary the idea of a bestie, the casual term of best friend (bf)

A person who means the world to you. The person that when you met you just kinda connected. The person that you were always there for. The person that isn't a love partner but they hold a special place in your heart. Someone that when they get hurt it hurts you too. Someone who no matter what happens between you two everything always ends up being alright. A person you can trust with anything.

Never take anyone for granted!

Cherish the present moment!

A Thought by an Indonesian

Friday, August 16, 2019

I came across this writing in IG by an Indonesian radio broadcaster and writer. If someone out there say this to me do this to me, I fall head over heels with that person. It's such a poetic piece about patience, love and self discovery.

One Week After the New Beginning

Thursday, August 15, 2019

I used to have my own blog many years ago but I have stopped blogging then. I am not sure why I started blogging in the first place. Maybe it's the fad, maybe it's the fame that comes with it or something else. I didn't know. After I have started my relationship with Bear many years ago, I started writing again in his blog. I didn't continue to use my old blog. Well, my domain has been hijacked and my original blog backup was lost. So I figured I just write whatever that comes to my mind in Bear's blog.

After what we have been through last week, I know what I wanted to do with this blog now. As the result of a personality test Bear asked me to do, it seems like I have a closed up personality, like a man imprisoned in a castle, with his heart is locked away in a dungeon basement below, and occasionally I stand by a window high up in a tower, waving my hands to the people down below.

I am not good at talking at gatherings, I don't really like parties and I don't mingle much with strangers. Once, I walked out in a language-interest gathering group because of the anxiety I have with strangers. Though it can be difficult for people to know me in person; by writing my entries here, I hope people would be able to know me better by reading my thoughts. Literally.

Oh yeah, I am INFJ-T and according to a website which does research on personalities, people having this trait make up less than one percent of the world population. Thinking on the good side, I can consider myself to be a Legendary rare kind of person. The website also says that, there is no right or wrong about each personality attribute, but my introversion and my turbulence seem to be on the high side. 

Since I am going to write more often these days, Bear suggested that we get a new name for this blog. Originally it was going to be, "The Unexpected Miracles of a Slytherin and a Hufflepuff", but it's too long to fit into the template, so I just cut it short and omitted one word.

Bear and I are fans of Harry Potter world, not core fans but good enough to know about casting spells and stuffs. We enjoy the Harry Potter universe and it will be nice, that we can take a train to Hogswarts school, in real life. We sat through the Sorting Hat (online obviously) and Bear is the Slytherin and I am the Hufflepuff. If you are a Harry Potter fan, you know well the student characteristics of these Hogwarts houses.

According to JK Rowling, Hufflepuffs value hard work, patience, loyalty, and fair play while Slytherins are proud, ambitious and cunning.

And he's being a Slytherin and I am being a Hufflepuff, still able to become best friends and continue growing up together, isn't that a miracle to be cherished? And yes, we been through different version of Sorting Hat, and we still both get the same results.

Lumos! Let there be light! I like this one. I know Bear says this spell is kinda useless, but I like it anyhow. LOL.

Each One is No less Beautiful than the Previous.

Thursday, August 8, 2019

A lot of things has happened in the last few days. 9 years and 7 months are not short but we have moved to a new beginning- that we've both agreed mutually- that this new beginning, we are loving each other in a way with different expectations. From loving boy friends to loving best friends. I believe and have confidence that this next step will further bring the best in each of us.

We have talked so much in these few days, in fact I think it was the longest chat session we ever had in the period of our last 9.583 years. Within 72 hours, many minutes of text messages, phone calls and a single session of almost 4 hours of face to face talk. 

That's the power of communication. So much understanding from both of us have been accomplished.

Instead of looking back of what is lost, I am looking at what we have gained. Bear has taught me that and he still continue teaching me that. Bear is seeing my potential. I am doing it now, channeling the energy- the result of what has happened into something positive.

Over the decade, the things we have done and experienced.

1. We have gotten each other a person, growing up and walking the aging path together. And we still are doing it with different roles, no less important.

2. We realized each other person's potentials, nurtured them and grow these potentials into realities. Our analytical skills, the personal traits of self image, control of temperament, control of fear, the increase level of maturity, career advancement and so much more.

3. We have gained the experience and feelings of how it feels to be like to be in a long distance relationship, be it internationally (Japan - Malaysia), regionally (Selangor- that's me - Negeri Sembilan - that's Bear) and within urban city (Kepong - Puchong; someone even quoted "Percintaan Di Antara Penghujung LDP")

note: LDP is the highway that connects our suburb and we living at the opposite of each end. 

4. We have worked as a team, putting arrangements, explored the world, having our "first" together at the cities of Bangkok, Saigon, Phnom Penh, Siem Reap, Tokyo and soon to Jakarta later in October.

5. We have learned how to cared for each other when we were sick on bed or in hospital; having done cooking class together and cooking at home; caught in a thunderstorm together till we were drenched to the undies; have buffets together till diarrhea; cried so hard after a romantic movie; and so much more.

6. We had the chance to feel what it takes like to be having each other, living as a human being with emotions and experiencing them together-- to be loved, to laugh, to cry, to get hurt, to be happy, to feel unsatisfied, to feel scared, to be contented, to be scolded, etc. Though these emotions were not long lasting but we have the chance to live through each of them together.

7. We have known each other's person's friends, enlarging our friendship circle along the way. Bear get to know my friends and I get to know Bear's friends too. Some of the new friends we made are now becoming close friends.

Reading back the list above, one might easily feel sad and unfortunate because there were so many great things done in the past 10 years. And some readers might feel that, with this new beginning, these things will not happened again.

NO! That's not true. We will still walking the path together in this new beginning, loving each other in a way with different roles and different expectations. We are still growing up together as two people who has already known each other for a long time already. (I am very predictable to Bear in my actions and words, lols

Like a life development of a butterfly, it has many different stages. Each one is no less beautiful than the previous. We are going through them from one part to the other.

From Piko-chan to Brave-bear