It is funny how an adult can be feeling so scared. Yes, it is like a child when he is feeling scared, he will cry. And I cried so hard on my bed, my pillows are drenched wet, my shirt is soaked, and lying on the bed hopefully to fall asleep but the sleep didn't come. Instead I stared through the bedroom door out to the dark living room. Wondering what's going on with me.
I am feeling very stressed. I am feeling so pressured. And I am feeling there is no place to run anymore. I am feeling that I have so much responsibility to make things good. I have so many roles to play, which I have to juggle constantly. My arms can be so tired of juggling but my arms cannot stop. If I stop, things will drop and fall apart. I am already doing my best...
I have to perform to be the good employee. I have to be a good son. I have to be a good lover. I have to be a good friend. I have to be a good person I have in mind for myself. Sometimes I hope I can be like a Superman, so I can do everything and make everything good, result is always satisfactory and nice and everyone is happy. And do things fast too, so I have more time, to work overtime as my boss expected of me, to spent more time with my parents whom they hope for, to cherish the sweet time with my lover, and maintain the friendship that I have cultivated.
I am so scared I will lose things out of my imperfection, my disability to fulfill request, my flaw not to make things good. I dare not complain too much because I will be seen as the person who cannot perform to their standard.
Sometimes I am so scared to ask for help because I do not want to burden people. People do not like that. Sometimes I am so scared to reject offers because people do not like that. Sometimes I am so scared to tell out problems because it might be a nuisance to listen.
I am like myself in a very small tin can being crushed from all sides. I feel so suffocated.
I am so scared now.
1 day ago