I always imagined myself as a piece in a picture. A picture that I could
never find myself fit in. I then stumbled upon a beautiful picture
fragment That fragment brought me into a new picture, one which was half
filled. Together, we painted the rest of the picture with our memories.
Sure the picture isn't perfect, but it is the most wonderful picture I
have ever seen.
It is tough to be apart for so long. I must admit. Everyday I am plagued by the misery of having to enjoy the beautiful scenery by myself. All I could do was to imagine my love being by my side. I know that he would enjoy the scenery more than I would. Sure that work here is almost stress free. But it certainly comes with a price, the price of having more time vacant for my mind. Time and again I reevaluated our relationship. Does our relationship resemble to father and son? brothers? or best friend?
I searched deep within my heart. I asked if I love him. And yes I do. How else can I miss him so. But is it really okay not to be sexually attracted to him? We both know that we enjoy each others presence. We enjoy each others company. Is that feeling all that really matters? Unsettled. I stared into the woods, the beautiful trees and blanket of mist, wishing that I would never revisit these thoughts again.
When I woke up to the darkness
My heart felt a sense of pain
I was living in my own world
Trying so desperately
To forget all the hurt
All those lonely nights, I was by myself
I was drowning in my sadness
With no one there to turn to
I was just about to lose hope
Buryin’ all of my dreams
Thinking I could not go on
Every time I think of the wound in my heart
Even just a word can make me fall apart
But then you appeared, saving me from my despair
And now, I know that I’m no longer afraid
It’s because of you, I’ve somehow found my way
You’re the miracle who’s standing here by my side
From the depths of my heart
I just want to express
I have faith once again
I’m so thankful to have you
Your patience and your love
Have touched me so deeply that I know we will be together for eternity
Time to write something again... Life in the mountains is really so simple. Work, eat, sleep and watch TV. Occasionally I do get to go online like today. For some reason, my phone is now officially obsolete. Zero connection, I can't text or call anyone (most importantly I can't call my love)! It's now an alarm clock that needs to be recharged every 2 days. The weird thing is that my phone was still functioning and capable of sending out sms 1 week ago. Hopefully the phone is not dead yet, or I will need to scout for a replacement =)
Having that said, I am quite glad that the home is equipped with the basic Astro package. At least I won't die of boredom.
Really looking forward to the coming Thursday. I will be back in KL. Yippie!!!
It has only been a month here in Jelebu. Although I still get to see my love every 2 weeks or so, I do miss him. I still recall the time when I see him get into his car and drove back home. I stood by roadside trying hard to hold back the tears and all I can hope for is that 2 weeks would pass quickly. We have never been apart as long as this. The separation do has it's good side. Me being so accustomed to having dardar around, often took him for granted. The separation definitely helped drew us closer.
I woke up in the morning feeling really happy and excited as I thought it was already Saturday morning. I thought that I could finally meet dardar. This was because I have night shifts on Fridays. Obviously I woke up thinking it was Saturday. Then reality hit me. It was still Wednesday morning! Total devastation. I realize how much I really miss my love. The 2 weeks of separation is probably the longest we have ever been apart.
Every single day I never stopped thinking about him. Whenever I see the mist I think about him. Dardar loves being in the mist and it is always misty here in the morning.
Whenever I cook I also think my love. Reminds me how he always say he wanna cook for me to eat but ends up both of us cooking together.
Whenever I eat mangoes I would think of him. He always says that he likes bananas but wants to eat my mangoes. hmph...
It is funny how an adult can be feeling so scared. Yes, it is like a child when he is feeling scared, he will cry. And I cried so hard on my bed, my pillows are drenched wet, my shirt is soaked, and lying on the bed hopefully to fall asleep but the sleep didn't come. Instead I stared through the bedroom door out to the dark living room. Wondering what's going on with me.
I am feeling very stressed. I am feeling so pressured. And I am feeling there is no place to run anymore. I am feeling that I have so much responsibility to make things good. I have so many roles to play, which I have to juggle constantly. My arms can be so tired of juggling but my arms cannot stop. If I stop, things will drop and fall apart. I am already doing my best...
I have to perform to be the good employee. I have to be a good son. I have to be a good lover. I have to be a good friend. I have to be a good person I have in mind for myself. Sometimes I hope I can be like a Superman, so I can do everything and make everything good, result is always satisfactory and nice and everyone is happy. And do things fast too, so I have more time, to work overtime as my boss expected of me, to spent more time with my parents whom they hope for, to cherish the sweet time with my lover, and maintain the friendship that I have cultivated.
I am so scared I will lose things out of my imperfection, my disability to fulfill request, my flaw not to make things good. I dare not complain too much because I will be seen as the person who cannot perform to their standard.
Sometimes I am so scared to ask for help because I do not want to burden people. People do not like that. Sometimes I am so scared to reject offers because people do not like that. Sometimes I am so scared to tell out problems because it might be a nuisance to listen.
I am like myself in a very small tin can being crushed from all sides. I feel so suffocated.
So bear will most likely be leaving for Kedah to do his internship soon. The drama included this:
Salmon: So, once you are there you won't be able to call anyone pathetic lor. (in case no one here knows, bear occasionally call the salmon pathetic)
Bear: No ah... I got handphone ma. Still can make calls to you and call you pathetic lor.
Salmon & Bear: XD
What do you do when your supervisor is missing? Seriously, my supervisor has been missing in action for 2 weeks. No one in the company knows what happened to him. With him gone, life in the office is so peaceful. Everyone is happy (apparently no one likes my supervisor). Whole morning I have time to read things that I like. I finally understand what dardar feel like on a free day. Boring but not stressful at all. LOL...
Each day passes so fast. My uni days are coming to an end in a few months. Semester breaks are always somewhat 'short' to me. Weekends past even faster now that I am doing my internship. I know things are gonna be like this when I get a job in future. People as they grow older, they always wish to return to their childhood. Fortunately, I am showing no such symptoms. I love my life. I love how I lived my life until now. I never want to return to the past and certainly wish that I will not end up like others who always complain to me how nice it was back in the older days. It sounds so pathetic. As if they have nothing to look forward to.
Anyway, I just watched John Carter today in the cinema. A good watch. Something like Avatar + Star Wars.
Holy crap... It's been quite some time since I wrote anything here. Just some updates in my life. It's been 3 crazy weeks in my internship. I wouldn't want to disclose too much about it but all is good now. I am glad to have a tough and demanding supervisor around me. When I first started the internship, things were rough. I was so stressed out due to communication problems with the boss. I also constantly gave excuses to myself for not being capable to deliver what he wants or expects from me. I was so demotivated because everyone tells me that I got the toughest supervisor of all and wished me good luck. Things are so tough here that 2 of my coursemates are leaving for another internship at another company.
The negativity lingered around me for days. I even had nightmares when I sleep. Things took a little change when I remembered how miserable life in the ward was. I then compared life in the office and life in the ward and thought to myself, this was nothing. Yup, it's just another challenge in life. I gotta stay positive that this is all a learning process. Wow... I am so pumped up for the coming week. ROAR!!!
It's amazing how certain people who doesn't even meet me up for a drink or chat can suddenly just pop up out of nowhere and ask me for favour. Honestly, the old me would really try to help these people, but the me NOW will try to ignore them. Just recently, some people called me up so that they can try to sell me insurance. Another talked to me in hopes of using my ID to apply for student car pass for university since I am a final year student.
Others messaged me to vote for their campaign, pictures and so on. They will tell me how they need to win the competition and get the cash prize cos they are short on money. These same people owns a car, can afford to travel out of Malaysia and have the most updated gadgets. Are they trying to fuck with me?
What a bitch! My so-called 'thesis' have been printed out and is ready for submission this afternoon. I would like to thank the faculty admins for doing a hell of a job. I love it when they set 3 different standards for writing to make my life a living hell (standard A from supervisor, standard B from office admin, standard C from coordinator). Also, thank you to Ms H (my project guide) for ignoring my calls and sms during the process of writing. Seriously, the only person I want to thank and say sorry to is dardar for all the trouble that I have caused him.
Anyway, the CNY is almost here and it is time to go back to my home in Kepong. I have not gone back to my home ever since the hospital incident. Reason being that my mom and I are not in talking terms. I was enraged by her constant nagging that I am not as good as my friends. Always telling me to not make her heart sick. Consistent reminder to me that I have to do better in studies (anyone wanna tell me how to get higher than 4.0 GPA?). I am just so fed up with all this nonsense. She always make me feel that I am not good enough. Is it really so difficult to praise me even once? Enough is enough already. I am no longer gonna give a fuck about all this shit.