Natural Behaviour

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Everytime when we argue, I need time. Time regain composure. Time to think of what had actually happen. As well as time to figure out the cause and reasons. I mentioned in my previous post that I like singing, sometimes over the top style with some dance. I also like to act silly or act cute and sometimes I would also imitate celebrities and game or anime characters. I notice that I don't always do it. I only do it in front of people that I like or people that are close to me. Mostly in front of pat and dardar. It became so natural to me that there are times I forgot that my intention was to entertain them, to make them laugh or smile.

Of course I enjoy doing it because it makes me happy. But at the same time, I hope that the people that I do it for also be happy with me. When they don't, it upsets me. Really, not all the time but occasionally. Dardar mentioned that sometimes he is afraid that I overwork myself. But as I said, it became so natural to me doing silly stuff that I forgot why I did it in the 1st place. But when dardar said that he loves seeing me being energetic and lively because it makes him happy too.

It was also the first time seeing him in tears. Like really in tears for awhile with the sobbing. hehe... so nice. Sometimes I wish he would be more in touch with that part of him. To cry out when he is feeling sad or unhappy. To smile and laugh out loud when in joy. He is so cancerian, always putting up that thick shell to mask his weakness and emotions.

First Ever Promoter

Monday, March 28, 2011

My 1st time being a promoter. Was at Solaris Mont Kiara Cold Storage. Easy work and kinda fun coz quite a few eye candy. Other than that, I am exhausted coz woke up at 6 this morning to go Cheng Ming then straight to work. Stand walk stand walk whole day... TIRED! SLEEP!

Phase of Uncertainty

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I recall a friend once said, "They do not understand because they do not go through what we do". They in this context are people that do not go through a phase in life where they doubt about their sexuality, in short, people that are homophobes. Not only PLU go through this phase, some straight people too.

From young remember how every single drama and movie I watch is always about guy kissing girl and happily ever after. I do find it sweet and romantic. I used to imagine myself marrying a women having lots of kids.

However, at the same time I am also attracted to guys. I remember staying up late to watch Survivor. I would sit in front of the screen admiring the good looks and body. As for the ladies, I could hardly remember their names. Even until now, I find it hard to memorize names of girls that I meet.

Sure enough later I find myself liking dicks guys more than girls when I was with my very 1st ex. But after we went separately, I find myself in a phase of uncertainty. Despite knowing that I like guys, I tried to go 'straight'. I tried really hard to make myself interested in a girl. Pretending that I want to know her. It was torturous. I question myself if I were gay, bi or a confused straight over and over again. 

I had no one to talk to. I wasn't participating in any blog or PLU support group. I was by myself, surrounded by homophobic people. Feeling that I am an outcast. Abnormal. Worse, I am new in uni with coursemates that are either racist or not-so-into-non-mandarin-speaking chinese.

Then came Jesus. I thought I could make it to the other side if I believed in him. At one point I really thought by accepting him I am saved. That I won't be thrown into the fiery pits of hell. The Christians offered me help on turning straight. Then came the doubt again. For all my life I had lived without HIM. Why would I trust my life in him?

That was the moment when I found PLU blogosphere. I read day and night. Knowing that I am not the only one going through all this puts me at ease. I used to think that being 'different' in Malaysia means you are as good as gone. The blogs shown me that there are many of us out there. Living all sorts of different lives whether they like it or not.

From the point I accepted being who I am, was also the end point of the phase of uncertainty. Being colourful is definitely special. Many dull 'normal' people won't like special people. It's hard being special as we are. But as I could recall, when I was a kid, I always wanted to be special. However, as I grow up, I just wanna be the same like others just so I can fit in. It shows how others can affect us, the way we think. 

I owe my freedom to those 'colourful' blogs.

The Nipple Song

Monday, March 21, 2011

I learned of this song (again) from my online games guild team members. Made me laugh like a mad man.

The Headache that Fired Up the Thoughts

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The headache since the early afternoon. The throbbing pain on the right side of the head, the stabbing pain on my right eye, the hard stressed muscle on the right side of my neck, the hardening pain on my right shoulder. I lie on bed next to my Bear reading The Lovely Bones. The house later went quiet. I stand by the window looking at the falling rain drops. I sat at the sofa, blinded by the cloudy sky. I continued reading but only words. I retreated myself to an empty room. No one ever goes in there except to do my ironing.

I sat crossed leg closed my eyes. Facing the window. The eerie silence of the room. Occasional sound of birds chirping, noise of neighbors dragging their chairs upstairs and cars passing by the idle room. I closed my eyes and not caring anything. Trying. I took a deep breath and reminded myself to regular breath deeply. The pain came and went. As I felt into stupor, the pain subsided.

Funny how sitting down alone, not caring anything in the world, allows all sort of thoughts running through the mind. Fear pierced through me. Why am I fearful. Why am I so conforming. Why am I excited with the attention. My mind was talking to myself with questions. Replies of I dunno.

Treat People with Civility and Respect

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

It's a common situation when your cell phone rings with an unidentified number asking you to purchase insurance, enroll for new credit cards, apply for low-interest loans or even a 'wrong number' call. Or, as you were having a meal, you might be approached by people seeking donations, sell products or etc. Or, you might be dealing with customer service, retail assistants or any other counter service of a company.

If I'm being approached for donations/products/services which I'm not interested in, I usually give them a smile and shake my head declining my interest, or maybe take a short peek at the brochure to see if i'm interest and then continued with a smile and reply with a no thank you. If they are persistent, I would have the same persistence to reply with a no thank you.

As I read in the media/experience so far, I just do not understand why some people may be reacting rudely to these scenario. Either they are being treated invisibly or being scolded or being cursed. No doubt our space/time is invaded but I believe these people are just doing their job. And let them do their job.

Talking about people who are doing their job, I once read an experience on how a resident was fumming mad because the guard didn't allow the resident to enter the condo and the resident didn't have the entry pass in hand. The guard was just doing his job not to allow non-resident pass holders to trepass the premise and residents also have the responsibility to their roles. What if a robber used the same tactics and the guard let him too?

It's funny how everyone wants things to suit their own convenience; and when things go wrong, people start blaming everyone else for not doing their job.

Back to treating people with civility, my Bear pointed it right when he said everyone is a hypocrite. When our client/boss responded us rudely over the phone or on the face, we bitched about till the cows come home. But as we ourselves, as a client, begins to decline in civility and started behaving rudely to others, we are of no difference.

It's again when we are always so self-absorbed or self-centered that all things in the whole world should/must revolve to fit ourselves. It's alright to purse what is right as a customer but do it in a civil manner.

Some of us claimed how great we are but ain't behaving as one. Have respect for other people if wants to be respected in return.

Ripple Effect

Monday, March 14, 2011

Some of you may have read the blog description below the title of my blog - "Every step leaves ripples for the earth keeps all records". I wrote that when I first started blogging. Whether it is grammatically correct or not I shall leave it as it is. But what I wanna tell is that no matter what we do, consciously or sub-consciously it always leave a ripple effect. In the ripple, your action is that center where it starts the ripple. It then expands and touches others. By others, I mean other people.

An example, my mother used to think that the 3R campaign is a waste or time. Only people without a life would be bothered about it. At that time I thought it was troublesome, the teachers wants every student to send in recyclable materials to the school. I started doing it and told my mom what to be kept. I will not lie, she was not keen about it at first because she thinks it's keeping rubbish. After about a year doing it at home, she got so excited about doing it because other parents are also involved and she don't want to lose out. Same goes for the usage of plastic bags.

As of late, I have been watching lots of YouTube videos. I somehow got caught up again with the way Americans speak. Their intonation and the way they express their feeling is what I view as interesting. And they make those cute little faces when they make their vlog. I try to incorporate that into my life cause I think it adds flavor to life. You may say that I am easily influenced by others but what the heck. Life is about changes. I love changes. Changes are fun.

The Tolerating Tolerance

Last few days ago, I bumped into a video of this Asian American guy who talks in a fast paced, ghetto style that talks about his life experience. With his diva, high-pitched and bitchy hand movement style, if was a good laugh to watch it. Soon, my Bear was eagerly wanted to watch it too. He enjoyed it and even found out that that American guy even has a video blog. It has now become one of his regular entertainment watching that video streaming.

I found it a good laugh alright, well..., on the first occasion of watching it. As my dear Bear find it amusing and good entertainment, it was becoming more of an irritation to me, that diva, ghetto, high pitch, non-stop ranting (i know, how much i emphasized this...) interspersed regularly with the F-word. I'm a firm believer of individual rights and so... I don't barge into the room and tell Bear that it is so annoying and to stop watching it. Nor, I'm stopping people or condeming them for doing things they like which I dislike. If my Bear finds it amuzing and have a good life for himself, I'm fine with that.

Now, how do I deal with myself when my mind is bubbling with annoyance when that guy's voice is vibrating in the house through that PC speaker? Actually there are a few things to do/have done to isolate myself. Use my handphone earphone to listen to Light&Easy radio channel or listen to the mp3 player (it's time I find my birthday present portable mp3 player from William/Cheryl to be useful), sit at the sofa in front of the tv watching the public channel with the equal volume or keep myself lying down on bed reading a book with the door closed.

At the end of the day, when my Bear shares his funny moments which he found entertaining in that guy's and his comrades video blogs, I'm still glad to know he had a good time.

That somehow summarized on the scenario when your spouse/lover doing something he/she likes, you dislike and going through with it.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

It's weird how people can assume things to follow a certain pattern. What would you think if you discovered a bottle of lubricant or a packet of condoms in a persons belongings? What more when you know that guy has a boyfriend. Sex would be what most of us think of. Penetration to be precise. I find these people really cute. It's not wrong to make assumptions, but it may not always be what you pressumed. Not all gays are into anal sex. Some people enjoy masturbating with lubs and/or rubbers. It is a fact.

Ever heard of the term asexuals in the world of gay? I didn't really know about it until last December when dardar and I read about it from a brochure from PT Foundation. Apparently, people that are asexuals are people that do not have sex with others. They prefer playing themselves or doing some sexual activities together that does not involve penetration. I think I may be one lol... I wonder if dardar is too... hehehe!

The Generation Gap

Thursday, March 3, 2011

While having lunch with Pat, he asked me what is it like to be with someone who is alot older. Piko-chan is indeed a decade plus older than me, but I don't find us very much different. Or perhaps I don't really think about our differences. Our similar interest is what binds us. We both enjoy playing online games together. We enjoy cruising together. I like whites. He likes jap and chinese. But throughout our time together, I have developed some interest in the others too. I still dun like jap porn though. SUX big time! 

We both like to eat. I like to critic what I eat but piko-chan never talks much about the taste. He wallops almost anything. I LOVE mangoes. My eyes blings whenever I see mango. While piko-chan loves bananas. Heck! I bet most of my readers love 'bananas' too. HaHaHa...

He likes sleeping longer hours on weekends coz he don't need to work while I prefer waking up early to engage in games that stimulate the mind. He likes reading. I read 3 books from his shelves and I think it was one of the most extraodinary thing anyone can see me doing. Reading books is BORING!

Piko-chan is a person that search for info (wikipedia, etc.) about a movie before we watch it. I just watch anything that I feel is good enough from the poster or trailer. Piko-chan doesn't want to watch horror movies coz he is scaredy-cat. I watch horrors eventhough I am more afraid than him.

In the end, gap or not doesn't really matter. What matters to me is staying happy together. I do my part to paint a smile on him coz seeing him smile makes me smile.

Sekinchan Ikan Bakar, Puchong

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

There was a new shop in the neighbourhood, comparatively new, and every time we passed through that place, the shop is brimmed with people. On Valentine's Day, we spent the dinner there. Although it was just around 6.30pm, that place was almost half full. I didn't know people are craving a lot for grilled fish! We ordered a stingray fish, a mug of clamps clams, rice and drinks. There were notices that we need to be patient as it needs time to grill the fish and all. And I was already hungry! Finally the dishes came. I found it quite normal but Bear like the paste that comes with it.

With all the people coming in and hunting for tables, it wasn't a good place to talk about romantic stuffs. The approach is to eat, pay, leave and find another place for other things to carry on. I didn't check the receipt but Bear calculated that we only paid very little for the fish. From the price of per kg, and the amount charged on the fish, it looks like we ate less than 50g of fish meat. I wonder if the cash register is fixed by now.