The StoryTeller

Thursday, September 10, 2009

This is to those who wish to know about me.

May 23 1988, to the world Bear arrives. No memories of how my maternal grandparents look like. But I do get dreams of my grandma bringing me to the market telling every1 that I am his grandchild. As for my father side, I have grandpa which I adore so much. I would never forget the day I got a fever and my grandpa carried me in his arms to a clinic. My grandma passed away before I was born, but I do have a stepgrandma. She just luvs to cut my hair. Everytime I visit them, she would complain about how long my hair is. But I know about the past thing that she did. When I was still an infant, she would leave me to cry when my parents are out for work. How do I know? My mom told me that the neighbours complained about it. Knowing this I actually kinda hated her. But years have passed... Forgiveness! Besides, she aint really that bad... ppl can change.

My parents are FOREVER bz. Studying in a kebangsaan school I have frenz of multi races. yeah~ I cant speak Mandarin, so what!!! I didnt choose to be in a kebangsaan school! My dad just didnt like the idea of me going to a chinese school cos he doesnt know MANDARIN!!! But I did picked up Cantonese while I was staying with the babysitter. My besties in primary school, Cheryl, Mei Jun, Adrina (yeah... they are all girls). We played all kinds of stuff. Wai Leng living near my house we would always play badminton tgt. After school I would play tag and hide & seek with Chee Loong, Chee Tat and Wai Leng. Sitting between Ivan & Serene is just fun-filled because they just love to quarrel!!! So much drama everyday! And I would never forget Kerryn, she is the 1st friend that I ever quarreled with. Being with my frens are the best times I had.

My dad, K.S Voon would never give me money to go for school trips. No Angpows. No birthday presents. No Mcdonalds. No nothing!!! He is a lazy slacker that goes to work late in the afternoon. My parents work together selling tiles and toilet accessories. My mom would go to work early in the morning while my dad sleeps. My dad would come home late at night drunk. What a pathetic dad to have. He would only buy things he likes. Never anything that we want. Clothes, food, toys, everything given by my mom. She works and comes home to cook. She is a machine! I love her so much!

My dad speaks no reason for he thinks that he is forever right. There was once the door was left open cos my sis 4got to close it. I was sleeping. He came back and saw the door was opened and without questioning he decided it was my mistake and called for me. I told him that it wasnt me that left the door opened and next next second he slapped me on the face. He would pinch me on the cheek or thigh when I accidentally scratched his car. I really hated him. I wished he was dead so many times...

Things turn bad when I was in standard 5. My dad cheating on my mom. The Bitch even came and broke our house window. My mom forgived dad cos she wants us to have a complete family. Standard 6, my grandpa finally rest in eternal slumber. The killer = lung cancer. I have never felt so much pain. The grandpa that I would visit everytime during CNY and christmas. I would keep quiet each time ppl talked about their families. I have no idea what to say. I even hated my sis back then when we were small. She is an introvert that doesnt like to share and we would fight for every single thing. I hated my family so much I wished that I only have grandpa and mom with me. Bonnie, my youngest sis born this year too.

Form 1. Ended up in the second class. Joined Taekwondo. Met this irritating guy that keeps talking to me. I just ignored him but he never gives up. My parents finally break up when my dad cheated on my mom again. My parents business gone into bankruptcy. My sisters, mom and I moved over to my uncle's house in Desa Jaya. Its a very dirty house. I even slept with rats and cockroaches. My mom went from a lady boss to a factory worker. Everyday she looked so weak and sad. I started to really do chores. Although I started doing chores at 9 y/o, it used to be just wash shoes and fold the clothes. But now I have to cook and wash clothes too. Lucky I picked up cooking when I was 9. I decided to remain in SMKB cos I dont wanna lose my frens. But without realising it, I lost most of my frens when I kept studying trying to fight back a spot for 1st class. I became an introvert. Keeping all things to myself.

Form 2, I made it into 1st class. The irritating guy from taekwondo came and sit with me in class. He just wouldnt give up. I ignored him but he would grab my ass each time during recess. I finally gave up and started talking to him. We became best frens in no time.

Form 3, we studied together after school and practiced taekwondo together and I was really happy whenever I was with him. He taught me all kinds of stuff. From studies to games. My very 1st experience with a guy was also him. Yeah, I guess I discovered that I liked guys cos of him. But it all started as just havin fun but I guess I really fell for him. 1 day I asked my uncle's wife to borrow RM50 to pay for taekwondo fee. Guess what??? She went and told my other aunts that I stole her money when I was out for practice. And when I got back home, my mom questioned me in a very bad mood about it. Few months later that BITCH made tons of calls and the telephone bills soared. She accused me for making them and my mom cut off the service. DAMN her!!! She wanted to have us gone.
7As for my PMR, but my mom just wouldnt want to say that I did good. MOM, CAN'T U JUST SAY THOSE WORDS? All i ever wanted was to hear those words. I just want motivation. All this while anything other from A is a fail to you. even when I finally got all As you just wouldnt say them... It hurts me alot you know? each time you complain to the teachers and my frens that I am naughty and I dont study. CANT YOU JUST UTTER THOSE WORDS???

Form 4, we broke off as I wasnt mature enuff to maintain the relationship. I lost all motivation to study. Results dropping real bad. And I lost almost all my close frens as we are seperated into diff classes. I tried really hard to make new frens. Everyday I would talk to every1 but no1 seems to accept me into their gang. I felt so lonely. I even thought of suicide...

Form 5, I gave up trying to make frens. Hoong and Meng would come over to my class during recess and it cheers me up knowing that they remembered me. With my results dropping, my mom start to nag everyday. But somehow managed to pull off 8 As and 2 Bs.

Going to F6, my results in form 6 is just the worst of the worst. Hardly passed any subjects. As usual, all the nagging from my mom. I became immune it. No longer have any interest in studying but going F6 cos I didnt know what to do. Started all sorts of on9 and computer games cos I can finally on9 at home. We shifted back to Sri Sinar as its easier to go school and also due to the fact that my BITCHY aunt wants us to leave. Made some new frens, Dexter and Lun. They were my closest friends.

And now... ended up in UPM. My roommate Meng, THX =) joined IKUPM and met Peter and Boon. We would go swimming, basketball, badminton, orchard and durian together. THX both of you. My maple account got hacked, I lost any motivation to play on9 games & stopped playing dotA. From accepting Christ I thought I have finally found the answer to all my pain and suffering. I prayed to GOD for friends, love and attention. Few months ago I had a crush on a guy. I confessed to him and even tried to ask him out. I started coming out as myself. Yeah, I AM GAY! But a few days ago, I realized that GOD, friends, love & my wishes isnt what I was seeking. For years I hated my life cos I dont have a complete family. I hated my dad. I get angry at every mistake that ppl make. I get angry when ppl do things slowly. I even hated MYSELF! I thought by having a strong mind I will be able live a life without pain, sorrow, disappointment...

I finally realized that all this while I am not satisfy with what I have is due to my LUST & DESIRES. I wanted love, care, attention, friends just like everyone. Having hope, desires and expectations left me with despair, sorrow, disappointment... I decided to rid myself of all expectations and desires for the materials, love and sorts... For I realised that nothing is forever. Everything that has a beginning has an end. Thank you to all of you who cares about me. But love hurts me alot. I can no longer share love with you guys. I am an empty person now. As good as dead.

~Goodbye lust, desire, expectations~


jo-n said...

hey bern,

i am really proud of u... it takes alot of guts to tell ur story...

eventhough its not much, u can always find me if u wanna makan or jus hang out in lib...

wateva it is, just try 2 stay strong, even if u dun believe it tat.. i'll be here, somewhere supportin u.. =)

tatamigirl said...

hey bern!

come out limteh when i go back okay!! dont ffk yeh.
i date you already

pikey said...

Looking at you today, you have come out stronger than before and the world reflects on how you see it. I'm glad you have reached the mental maturity not many youngsters have..

I'm really proud of you. Hugs.